Classic quotes, Vol. 37

Here's a selection of some recent notable quotes, this time (again) all from my very quotable 5-year-old daughter M-:

M- (apropos of nothing one day, after she'd been playing by herself.... possibly a sign she may have been playing with her older brother too much): I would be a great astronaut-killer! (asked to elaborate) It's a guy who attacks and fights astronauts!

M- (showing off her strength, before almost falling over a basketball her little brother E- had accidentally rolled in her path): I can carry this HUGE chair, Dad! ... As long as E- keeps his BALLS out of the way...

M- (coming breathlessly into our room one morning, after we'd ignored an automated call identified as coming from my wife's teacher union): It's an URGENT call, on the answering machine-- it's an emergency! They're attacking our pensions, and our rights, and we need to vote!

M- (referring to Silly String, in a voice like a commercial): Kids LOVE this stuff!!

A conversation between M- and D-: Bill Cosby, eat your heart out

My 8-year-old son D- and 5-year-old daughter M- are apparently taking some interesting lessons to heart about the fundamentals of good parenting, as evidenced by their recent conversation in the back of our parked van, regarding their 1-year-old brother E-:

D- (possibly sarcastic, after M- had been speaking through rage-clenched teeth at E-): Boy, you'd make a real good parent, always grabbing and pulling on his (inaudible)...

Me (thinking she had been grabbing his face): Pulling his what?!

D- (quickly polishing an explanation, likely due to a favor he owed his sister): I said, she'd make a real good parent, because she always gets real serious with him. And he listens to her...

M- (eagerly): Yeah!

D- (aside): Oh, by the way, your pants are on backwards.

---

You may enjoy my previous D- conversations, M- conversations, and (wife) J- conversations.

A conversation with M-: A teachable moment...

Despite two years served under the patient ears of The Tattling Turtle at school, my 5-year-old daughter M- still tattles like nobody's business*, and her 8-year-old brother D- has long ago earned his Veteran Kid status, which entitles him to get away with all kinds of secrets and sneakiness under our noses, as this frustratingly inconclusive conversation demonstrates:

M- (the "eager" version of The Tattling Voice): Last night, I was trying to sleep, and D- was keeping me up by saying a bad word. One that means "horse poop"?

Me (mild curiosity officially piqued): ...Oh? Which word was that?

M- (wishing she could help, realizing she's out of ammo): Ummmm... I don't remember. You should ask him.

Me (recklessly pressing the point while the iron is hot): You won't get in trouble for saying what it was. Was it something like "cr... cr... cr..."

M- (blank stare): Uhhhh...

Me (scrambling, hoping she doesn't start asking followups, to add to her extensive vocabulary, but now confident I've nailed it down at Level 2): Was it something with "sh... sh... shhh..."

M- (another blank stare, then resignation, which is apparently what you get when you seem to take tattles seriously): Umm, well, I don't really remember what the word is, but I know it's bad, and I know it means "horse poop".

So, it seems that D- is either cataloging new slang words that don't spring to my mind, or he may have invented a hilarious new game of 1) declaring secret, scandalous meanings to made-up words; or 2) assigning new meanings to existing, innocuous words; with the primary or secondary intention of getting his sister to cash in all her tattling chips on unenforceable violations. Both of the latter options are genius, and make me pretty perversely proud.

---

* If anything, this stuffed turtle just allows her to practice new techniques. She talked about him all the time in the beginning, but the very first time I made reference to him myself, she made a point of assuring me, with an expression and tone that suggested I might be an idiot, that he is "not real". Thus, he is powerless to act on any of her solid intel.

Amusing searches, Vol. 16

Google's admirable privacy efforts are slowly draining me of this source of amusement and education, but while I still have some material left, here are some of the most amusing searches that have brought people here since the last edition.

(All search strings are reprinted exactly as they were entered, and the search text links to the post at which the visitor arrived.)

• nitpicking in conversation (New York, NY) - According to at least half of the people I've ever spoken to for more than a few minutes, you've come to the right place.

• "punch a bird in the face" (Fairfax, VA) - I'm picturing that would probably hurt your fist more than the bird's face, what with the beak and all.

• self conscious and nervous (London, U.K.) - Why yes, yes I am. Thanks for checking.

• my three year old son hides penis (Seoul, Korea) - Really, it's "where" and "how" he's hiding it that should be the focus of your concerns.

• "piss around the house" (Edinburgh, Scotland) - I have the same habits, but I try to concentrate my fire around a couple central areas, ones with convenient bowls that offer some kind of satisfying splashing sound.

Classic quotes, Vol. 36

Here's a selection of some recent notable quotes, this time from my wife J-, our 5-year-old daughter M-, and our 1 year-old son E-:

M- (looking at a picture of a llama, with a tone suggesting it had personally done something to offend her): Seriously?? There's no hump on this camel!

J- (spacing out while talking to E-, who was getting into things in the kitchen as she read a dessert recipe): No, put that down, Lemon!

M- (overselling it a bit, referring to E- having grabbed at her Swedish pancake and knocked it to the floor, after the waitress had assured her it would be replaced): Well! THAT will be quite the story to tell my kids, when I have kids!

J- (explaining her love for birds of prey): See, the thing is, I find all other birds repulsive.* But owls, and falcons... I love them, for some reason.

---

* Sorry, bird lovers: On review, she reiterated her unusual position that "repulsive" is not too strong a word, and yes, she meant "all". Even blue jays, and cardinals, and doves... and lovebirds, and sparrows, and hummingbirds... and all your favorites. ESPECIALLY your favorites.....

A conversation between M- and J-: It is risen

The following conversation between my 5-year-old daughter M- and my wife J- took place during our multi-state car trip right before Easter, during which my wife indulged in many of her Rhode Island favorites from childhood, including "Easter bread", a very sweet, iced treat:

J- (concerned that the kids have buried and/or crushed the loaf we were taking home, somewhere in the van): Where's the Easter bread?

M- (immediately jumping in, with a "Magical Storytime" voice all cued up): He stays in a nook, faaaaar under the ground...

J- (interrupting, totally confused): What??

Me (realizing the disconnect): No, the Easter BREAD.

M-: OHHHhhhhhhhh!

J- (cutting through the visions of candy and gifts, to the most important matter at hand): So... you don't know where the bread is?

They were definitely very happy to have the Easter Bunny himself leave his beloved nook to visit shortly after this, though he didn't leave us any Easter bread. Just lots of what I could only assume were jelly beans...

---

You may enjoy my previous M- conversations, J- conversations, and (8YO son) D- conversations.

A conversation with M-: I am a skilled negotiator.

My 5-year-old daughter M- is still working out the kinks in her understanding of numbers, as evidenced by our recent conversation below:

M- (putting on her most comically dignified voice as she approaches me, clutching a bundle of imaginary balloons): I would like to buy these... 8 balloons, please.

Me (like a bored street vendor who knows he's got you right where he wants you, but doesn't much care anymore): That'll be four hundred dollars, please.

M- (still with the voice): I don't have that much money.

Me: Then you don't have any balloons, either.

M- (sliding toward her normal voice, as she tries valiantly to keep this one from getting away from her): How about this, how about we bargain: I will bring the number down to: six... million dollars.

Me (slipping out of character in disbelief): Six million dollars? DOWN to $6 million?!?

M- (regaining her Monopoly-guy voice in full glory): Or wait... How about... I pay you what you asked for. Here you go! (sprays fake money at me and runs)

So in the end, she acted pretty much like me in every negotiation I've ever been forced into.

---

You may enjoy my previous M- conversations, (8YO son) D- conversations, and (wife) J- conversations.

A conversation between M- and D-: Justice, served lukewarm

My 5-year-old daughter M- was indulging my 7-year-old son D-'s penchant for spontaneous, awkward hand-to-combat practice one day recently, when he began the following exchange:

D- (with the expected pseudo-karate posturing): I'm gonna break your HEAD off!

M- (popping his balloon as sharply as she can): No, you're not! You'd be in HUGE trouble... You'd have to sit on the STAIRS for the rest of your LIFE!

D- (accepting this at face value, then feeling smug as he thinks about its relative leniency): No more than that, though.

M- (thinking aloud, qualifying her previous statement): ...Until you were a grownup, then you could go back to eating candy, and playing, and everything.


It seems "life" as they know it ends in just a few years. They're probably right.

---

You may enjoy my previous D- conversations, M- conversations, and (wife) J- conversations.

Things that amuse me, Vol. 12

Here are a few of the things that have been amusing me recently:

1. You might want to re-evaluate your life priorities if you carefully erect a 30-foot pole in your front yard, and then use it to proudly display your Arctic Cat flag. That's right, there's only room for one flag on that pole.

2. I think Redbox might want to manually review its recommendation formulas. For example, while checking availability for The Tree of Life recently, the second movie listed under "You may also be interested in" was Twilight: Breaking Dawn. ............No, thanks. That's like stocking candy-coated dung balls as impulse-purchase items right next to... DVDs of Terence Malick's "The Tree of Life".

3. Because I talk about my kids in this blog, I am frequently faced with situations that have luckily not yet happened in real life. Like, for instance, being greeted with, "Hey Soul Sister," in marketing e-mails. Or being nearly constantly reminded that, "[I'm] a busy mom." I've got news for those people, though-- I ain't that busy. Mostly I just sit on the couch with a box of bon-bons and "watch my stories" while telling the kids to shut up and get back to work. Ah, motherhood.

Classic quotes, Vol. 35

Here are the latest memorable quotes from my 5-year-old daughter M-, my 7-year-old son D-, and my 1-year-old son E- that I've managed to remember or write down:

M- (referring to the snowman she was mentally designing, for her preschool homework): And his name will be "Ho-Wrecker"!

Kid at school (amazed, watching E- doing a victory lap with a basketball he found): Whoa! That baby can WALK!

M- (after being asked an obvious question, before I reached in to turn on the fan): ...No. I'm sweating, but I'm not pooping. ... I'm sweating!

D- (after we were talking about dogs and wolves eating grass): THAT'D be cool, to see a wolf throw up.


M- (approximately 10 minutes after first regretting asking me why February 29 is a special day): ...Oh.....