31 December 2012

2012: The Year We Make... Stuff Up

Well, as you may or may not have already observed, we're all still here, living and breathing. Even waiting a couple weeks to factor in some rounding errors that might have skewed things a bit, the world seems much the same as it was not that long ago, and it seems safe to say that the world stands as much chance of ending as it ever does, just like we found out after hitting the year 2000 without planes falling from the sky.*

Are we all that hard up for some real, guilt-free drama and plain-dealing in our lives?

Yes, yes we are.

Sometimes it feels like we've peaked, at least here in the "First World", and the only productive way to go is sideways, to something more elemental, and beautiful... a place and time where all these idle things we've created don't really matter, all the filters we've built between ourselves as humans dissipate. A place where the person shuffling imaginary sums of money from one place to another finds the bulk of her life's experience suddenly useless, and the man with the hand-dug fallout shelter, fully stocked armory**, and decades-long supply of canned food is king.

But then the movie ends, we walk out with our heads down, and we forget all about that nonsense while scrolling through Tumblr pages for updates on our favorite memes, or while monitoring comments on our pictures of food we were about to eat at some point.

But hey, sometimes it just takes a minute to shake out the cobwebs and remember what's really important, right? Here and now, or there and then, and family, and not... stuff... or whatever somebody else reposted on Facebook once that sounded really deep 'n' shit.

Here's to another new year of more of the same! But moreso!



* Good thing, too, because I was on one that day, off to meet my future wife for the first time. We'll never beat those plane fares!

** To finally get a chance to protect his toothless, malnourished children with the finest matériel tens of thousands of dollars can buy!

28 December 2012

Things that amuse me, Vol. 14

Here are a few of the things that have been amusing me recently:

1. The Angry Birds folks obviously have very effectively marketed themselves to potential advertisers, based on ads that have popped up when I've played recently, such as "Time Management Problems?" or "Having Trouble Getting Organized?".

2. Santa is not yet my 2-year-old son E-'s favorite Kringle, since he was exposed to the delicious pastry of the same name, and immediately decided to add it to the elite team of words that is his currently limited vocabulary. "King-goh!"

3. It's recently come to my attention that the Fates have decided to challenge me --a man who has been known to create the world's most perfect food by slapping two slices of pizza together like PBJ, and who considers mashed potatoes a viable condiment-- with a sandwich-impaired son. Faster than I can contain messy nutrients in handy shells of bread products, my E- pulls it all apart and consumes most of it separately. Why this? Why now? Why me??

4. When you're stretched out on the couch with a laptop, plugging away at the same old mindless tasks while working from home, and you start floating up toward the ceiling, it's likely that you seamlessly nodded off at some point without noticing the difference. Also, you were probably mock-typing in the air like a puppy chasing invisible rabbits for longer than you think. It's not disappointing in the same way as a cheap twist ending in a stale TV show, but it's arguably much worse in a more meaningful way.

12 December 2012

Classic quotes, Vol. 42

Here are a few more recent quotes from my 8-year-old son D- and my 5-year-old daughter M-:

M- (after M- mentioned kitten scratches and J- & I both sang "cat scraaatch feverrr" accompanied by mouth guitars): Is that from a commercial for a hospital??

D- (incredibly intense, as M- began to urgently tell me about something unimportant while I was "sleeping" on the couch): M-, are you INSANE?!?

M- (holding up a paper saying "POO" in large letters): Look, I spelled "pool"!

M- (speaking sternly to her 2-year-old brother E-, who is obsessed with her stuff): As I already ESTABLISHED, this pink ball is MINE!

And a classic from this summer, when we were desperately trying to bathe 8 kittens to rid them of a flea infestation:

M- (eyes wide, enjoying the carnage): It's like a KITTEN nursery in here! Except a kitten nursery run by DRUNK people, who have no idea what they're doing!

28 November 2012

A conversation between M- and D-: It's "Anything Doody" time!

Short and to the point, this is how my 8-year-old son D- and 5-year-old daughter M- spend much of their free time:

M- (her part of some random chit-chat I'd tuned out): ...duty.

D- (starts to laugh): Wait, do you mean the FUNNY "doody", or the normal, serious "duty"?

M- (almost disappointed in herself): The serious one.

D- (soberly): Oh.


You may enjoy my previous D- conversations, M- conversations, and (wife) J- conversations, as well as my future (<2YO son) E- conversations.

20 November 2012

A conversation between M- and E-: Weggo my wego

The following is a conversation that just took place in our playroom, where my 8-year-old son D- and 5-year-old daughter M- were each playing with Legos in their own way, after my buddingly verbal almost-2-year-old son E- happily waltzed in. I think it pretty well captures their relationship most of the time, these days.

E- (idly content): Wehhh-gooooooes...

M- (sounding not unlike Ian McKellan's Gandalf): E-, this is my tower, and you cannot touch it!

E- (decisively oblivious): TOUUUUCH!

M-: No, DON'T touch it!

E-: TOUUUUUUUUCH!!

M-: Arghhhhhh!


You may enjoy my previous D- conversations, M- conversations, and (wife) J- conversations, as well as my future E- conversations.

30 October 2012

Classic quotes, Vol. 41

Here are a few more recent quotes from my 8-year-old son D-, my 5-year-old daughter M-, and my nearly-2-year-old son E-:

D- (having been shown an "I'm too busy to be organized!" mug I'd gotten for my wife J-): Hey! Mom should put that on her desk! ...Because she's always so busy... that she can't be... organized.

E- (coming into his family heritage, waking unwillingly as I laid him down to change him one morning): Eyes! (rolling away, pawing at his face) Wight! (openly frustrated that I just don't seem to get it) Bwight!!

D- (seeing an Adidas footprint in the dirt): Hey look! It says AIDS in the footprint!

M- (vehemently disputing D-'s account of her assault): I didn't punch him in the EYE... I punched him in the FOREhead!!

D- (referring to a man speaking through a megaphone to a crowd of kids): That's not a very loud... shouty-thingy.

27 October 2012

A conversation with M- and D-: How many licks does it take?

The following is a recent conversation I had with my 8-year-old son D- and 5-year-old daughter M-, the tone of which is predictably not all that rare around here:

D- (sharing an announcement with the world) : She LICKed meeeeee!

M- (feebly beginning a defense): No...

Me: M-, did you lick him?

M- (thinking better of it): Yes... Because he was being a jerk, and wouldn't stop!

Me: It's not a good strategy to use your germs as a weapon. And it's never a good idea to ever LICK an 8-year-old...

D- (almost proudly): Yeah, especially THIS one!



You may enjoy my previous D- conversations, M- conversations, and (wife) J- conversations.

29 September 2012

Amusing searches, Vol. 18

Here are more of the most amusing searches that have brought people here, in no particular order.

(All search strings are reprinted exactly as they were entered, and the search text links to the post at which the visitor arrived.)

things i enjoy my wife hates (Akron, OH) - If you're looking for tips and advice, I unfortunately have nothing much to offer you, but I can say that wives have notoriously poor taste and questionable judgment.

RI ESCORTS (Warwick, RI) - This was clearly a smart search, because YOU KNOW I AM ALL ABOUT THE RHODE ISLAND EXCORTS, my friend!!*

when to label a 5 year old girl as homosexual (Quezon City, The Philippines) - How about, "Never"? Is Never an acceptable answer? You'll find out in good time, or not at all, depending on her comfort level...

PEE (Norvenich, Germany) - Either PEE is a legitimate, dignified acronym in Germany, or I think maybe this was supposed to be some kind of horrible image/video search.

waxelene for vagina (Valencia, CA) - Sorry, can't help you at the moment, I haven't tried using it on my vagina yet.



* Given that you arrived here via an amusing Internet search yourself, sir, it was probably a bit awkward in an "uh-oh, too late" kind of way when you landed on a post in which I was mocking the previous searches of others. Sorry you had to see that... and I'll be sorrier if you ever happen upon this one in future searches. Just make sure it's a good one! No reason...

25 September 2012

Classic quotes, Vol. 40

Here are a few of the recent quotes (that I remembered to write down) from my 8-year-old son D-, my 5-year-old daughter M-, and my 20-month-old son E- (still not yet on the banner!):

M- (seemingly unburdened by Knowing It All, dropping some knowledge on her older brother): Did you know, that cheese is just dried, hard milk? (waving around her wrapped, pre-sliced piece of cheese-like food substance) Just like... floppy milk?

D- (seeing a "No Grills Allowed" sign as we drove through a park entrance to the soccer fields): Whoa! Wait, what?!? This park says, "NO GIRLS ALLOWED"!!

M- (already pushing fashion limits, when I asked if she was there to give us all a Belly Show with the size-4T shirt she had on): If it's only a small belly show, it's okay...

E- (though barely verbal, being under 2, when asked if he wanted "a cookie"): Two!!

M- (sprinkling some color in her daily gossip, trumping up her tattling charges on some kid I don't know): And then she started saying... you know that BAD word, that starts with F??!?*



* After a bit of internal hubbub on our part, it turned out to be "fart", which is odd since it's not considered a "bad word" in our house, though I may have been known to discourage them from shouting it out at the dinner table.

31 August 2012

A lion in autumn

An e-mail I recently received from Buy.com asked the deceptively simple question, "What will you be this Halloween?"

That quandary was immediately and permanently addressed within the body of that very e-mail, in the form of a timeless treasure buried beneath a pile of boring, foolish, or even mildly ridiculous costumes: "A Sexy Wizard of Oz Cowardly Lion!"

Just in case one did not immediately grasp the magic inherent in those words, they included a siren song for the eyes:



Seems astonishingly obvious once you hear it and see it laid out like this, doesn't it? I mean, right here you have the very heart* of the film if not of the original book series itself! The whole narrative, this fictional universe, it all begins to collapse without the hefty weight of the Cowardly Lion's sex appeal anchoring it all --unspoken, undescribed, unobserved... possibly nonexistent-- and yet I'll bet you never once thought of it before now. Genius. Just genius.

Now, granted, the "sexiness" of this particular creation is highly dependent on the nature of the clay used to craft it, but I'm pretty confident I have the body to pull it off. The only real stumbling block to my undisputed ownership of this and all future Halloweens is the fact that it's currently on sale for $77.

I may have to let some pretender claim my throne, for that price. Or else, hmmmm... what would one of those craft bloggers do?

I'm off to find where I left my tan Spanx bodysuit and faux-fur boots 'n' muff!



* Tin Woodman be damned. Again.