06 May 2009

No, Babe won't give you herpes

Consider this post an early Mother's Day present for my mom, who for the past two weeks has been ranting about how inane the swine flu hysteria is almost as fiercely as I do about random things like the suddenly high percentage of crossword puzzle clues relating to rap/hip-hop in the Tribune lately.*

I've endured this "swine flu" nonsense for about as long as I can take, and while I usually steadfastly ignore fads that try to compel me to acknowledge them with at least outrage or satire, I just couldn't resist after reading this article:

Flu fears alter life at U.S. universities

No, the take-home lesson of this article is NOT how easily life can be drastically thrown off its axis by overhyped paranoia spread by 24-hour news outlets,** but rather how little a college degree is apparently worth in America today.

To celebrate the latest inductees into the elite club that is the enormous percentage of our extremely populous country that has graduated from college, the wizened elders of the prestigious Northeastern University scrambled to make sure there were sufficient quantities of anti-bacterial lotion on hand at the graduation ceremony Friday to combat the (excruciatingly inefficient, it seems) killer virus that has so many people helpfully pitching their pork chops into the trash heap these days.***

Neighbor dogs have never eaten so well! And they won't again until the killer bacteria, perfected by the hyperactive evolution chamber that is our modern "anti-bacterial" society, finally emerges to leave us all as main courses in the Gutter Buffet our dogs will treasure until the germ can tweak itself enough to take them out, too.

Happy Wednesday!!

* I pick an example like this just because I don't want to dare imply that she's even flirted with the intensity of my rants about the few things that matter more than my weekly State Of The Crossword speech.

** So far, this new strain of known flus has proven to be equally as infectious as every other common flu virus, and, by my observation, dramatically less lethal. So if you haven't died from a flu in the past, even if a few viruses manage to perform the near-impossible feat of getting past your force field of Purell, you probably won't die this time, either.

If you HAVE died from a flu in the past, well, let me apologize for my smarmy tone, and also for the overly chewy texture of my precious, delicious BRAAAAAAIIIINSSSSS!!!

*** Just to re-state for the record, and not because I have any particular love for the pork industry, eating pork can NOT give you any kind of swine flu. If you're worried about eating the flesh of an infected animal, your biggest concern should be nothing more than whether that pig's final coughing fits toughened up the meat too much and made it slightly less delicious than that of its blissfully immobile and fatty compatriots.


Leslie said...

A work memo told me to stock up on canned meat. Wth?

Anonymous said...

well, that clears it all up.

Jenny Grace said...

Inspired by, but unrelated to, this post (that's my favorite kind of comment):

What about the things that you ONLY KNOW EXIST because of their frequency as crossword puzzle clues.

The one that comes to mind for me is Author Leon Uris, and that he exists. I know this because of such clues as "Author Leon" and "Author Uris."

The LA Times was the main perpetrator of this trend, circa the early 2000s.

Christy said...

I think the people that have previously died from the flu are really going to take offense to that...be warned!

Kori said...

You last little footer thingy made me laugh out loud. I love me some lazy ass, fat swine, fried up for a sandwich.

Andrea's Sweet Life said...

Mmmmmm, bacon. And ham. On a crusty baguette.

Mrs. B. Roth said...

They say you should feed a fever, so if you think you've got it, feel free to make pigs of yourselves, go whole hog, but wear your mask if you go to market.

What!? I think it's funny. Pearls before swine I tell you.

Captain Dumbass said...

Even if they stamped "Swine Flu" on my bacon I'd still eat it.

The Microblogologist said...

Sweet, an enlightened post on the subject! The swine flu hysteria has been beyond ridiculous, thankfully the idiots among us tend to have a short attention span and they've practically forgotten about this virus completely, lol.