Developments at our house, Vol. 13

Here are some of the latest developments around here:

1. We've all found change in the washing machine now and then, but since we obviously have to watch every single penny around here, the only currency I've found there in a very long time is trace amounts of macaroni and cheese, source unknown. I think it bodes ill for our future health that those tiny noodles can survive such an ordeal completely intact.

2. I've had a whim that in order to intimidate other parents this summer, I'll start bringing a set of chess pieces with us to the park, so D- and I can use them to play checkers on those mounted boards.

As long as we sit and stare awhile before each move, no one's likely to remember that pawns can't traditionally jump over rooks. Another plus in our favor is that D- frequently forgets how to play checkers during the game and just starts sliding pieces in whatever direction he feels like, so it'll probably end up looking a bit like chess anyway.

3. I've decided that no matter the savings of reusing everything from one kid to the next, recycling my son's "Thank Heaven For Little Boys!" bibs for my 2-year-old daughter is just too disturbing. I'm not quite ready for that yet.

4. My son D- turned 5 years old, which is as unbelievable to me as it was when he turned 4. I guess I'll have to update my About pages across the Internet again.

Name that tune!

At the behest of my wife J-, who conceived this post, I bring you a list of children's songs as identified by my extremely verbal 1-year-old daughter M- (who can sing most of them in their entirety):

• Din Dan Don

• Ants

• Ebbysee's

• My Son

• Weensy Eensy

And finally, the true tiebreaker:

• Tree-Ba's-ful

How many can you recognize? I would be floored if anyone who didn't know her got all six, and very impressed if someone got four.

North Dakota on my mind

In a footnote yesterday, I suggested that I might compare* the U.S. state of North Dakota to a state of near-death.

You must understand that I say this based on the fact that it's the only U.S. state from which I haven't yet recorded a visit to this blog. Every other state has sent me anywhere from a handful to well over a thousand hits, and in fact half the states have visited at least a hundred times, along with 53 foreign countries, but between the two Dakotas, I'm holding steady at 1 visit in almost 8 months.

What gives, Dakotas?!? We must have some common interests or interpersonal connection that might trick you into coming here. Given that you have the highest percentage of churchgoing citizens in the U.S. (according to Wikipedia**) and your highest point is something called White Butte, I feel sure it's a temptation when I suggest you can stop by once in awhile to yell at me for being a "filthy, godless, America-hating, city-slicking, Obama-loving, liberal hippie!" Sound good? You know it does.

Actually, the most cutting of criticisms would be that this whole post is just a ploy to attract an unsuspecting hitchhiker or two wandering the Google turnpike from up Dakota way. This, however, is not remotely accurate, and furthermore: "Gov. John Hoeven", "Mt. Rushmore sucks", Sioux, departing, "Western Meadowlark", "flights out", Minot, "how much longer till I can leave", and "Who needs Mt. Rushmore, anyway... we're just not that showy".

Whatever you wanna say to me now, funny-talking folks, fire at will-- my comment board is open as always!

In closing, it is a distinct honor to disappoint you, my likely-incensed casual North Dakotan drop-ins. I'd love you to stay, but if you simply can't, I ask only that you leave a tiny piece of your Very Upper Midwest souls with my friends at Google Analytics on your way back out the door, so I can finally finish coloring in my cool map of the U.S. various shades of green***.

---

* In case you were born/raised in North Dakota, or you have family there, or you'd just like to defend a physically large state containing only almost exactly 10 times the number of people as the minor Chicago suburb in which I live, please note the supremely artful and undeniably endearing hedging of my phrasing^ here. I'd appreciate it if instead of cursing at me, you just chuckled lovingly and suggested I go into politics. ...Okay, go ahead now.

** This is a disclaimer that must always accompany any fact taken from Wikipedia-- new rule.

*** They don't call it "Anal-ytics" for nothing!

^ Or alternatively, you could just admire my extensive and arguably excessive use of adverbs and gerunds.

Five senses times two: A case study

For all those people seeking to explore additional human senses by unlocking unused portions of the brain, there are others who seek to start by using our five known senses to their full ability before moving on to new ones. To most people who have not thought about such a thing, this approach just makes sense.

Certainly the youngest and most talented, if not the only, proponent of this effort is the young Dr. M. Q. Literal (pronounced for the purposes of this profile as "Lit-AIR-uhl").
Dr. Literal not only desires to maximize the potential of her own brain, but in a confluence of her passions for research and magnanimity, she also strives to share her gifts with those around her. To illustrate her generosity of spirit, one needs only look within the past week.

Upon waking from her scheduled afternoon nap ready for her 4-hour pre-dinner constitutional, she found her calls to her live-in assistants falling on deaf ears, due to such obstacles as ambient noise (in the form of rambunctious preschoolers, running fans, and air conditioners), closed doors, and general apathy. Tempted though she was, rather than give up and collapse in frustration for an invigorating tantrum for more than a few moments, she decided instead to appeal to other senses and encourage her inferiors to think, and feel, outside their quaint little boxes.

After entering a meditative state and summoning all her digestive energy to focus it in the way only she knows how, Dr. Literal managed to soil herself on command to such an alarming degree that she was able to summon both now-barely-conscious senior assistants to her side in a matter of minutes using only the force of extraordinarily long stink lines. Few self-described psychics could claim such power.

Meanwhile, the notably disheveled appearance of her office and lab attire served as all the lecture the humbled assistants needed-- from now on, they will surely be keeping their ears and noses open for whenever their master might call.

Whether she's splitting ear drums for little or no reason, silently threatening to repurpose precious objects, licking passersby when they least expect it, sticking items at hand in absent guest's drinks, or simply defecating outside of socially acceptable locations, the good doctor stands alone, until others are brave enough join her, in her struggle to push humanity into the next phase of evolution.

We have nothing to fear but death itself

You know you work in a very rare field when you have to assure the world that your creation will not vaporize the entire galaxy or even merely destroy all life as we know it.

Scientists: Nothing to fear from atom-smasher
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080628/ap_on_re_eu/doomsday_collider

That's pretty bold of them to reassure us of something that, if it proves to be inaccurate, will leave no one around to point the finger or kick them in the nuts.

Those are my kind of guys, even if I wish they'd just leave the thing off.

Here's a fun experiment I've been trying since I first heard about this controversy a few months ago-- while you sit there, in mid-thought, just close your eyes suddenly and stop the world in a millisecond.* I find it surprisingly startling, and it really puts things in perspective. It makes you wonder about the wisdom of spending your time piddling around the Internet and reading children's fantasy fiction.

Note that I say it makes you wonder-- I have no qualms with my life choices thus far.

* This works best when there aren't any kids running around shouting, like if someone else is watching them or if you're fortunate and well-rested enough to not own any kids yet.

She makes it look so easy

You know, as someone who at times works too hard to be funny, I have to admit that I feel more than a little bit jealous that someone like M-, my 16-month-old daughter, can just grab a random hat that's too big (or better yet, something that's not even a hat), put it on her head, then toddle out and say, "Ott!" (hat) to get big, well-deserved laughs all around.

For example:
I could write more, but I'm too busy playing Salieri to her Mozart. Perhaps I should just stop here, to imitate her minimalist style.

...

Is it working?

Damn.


* (see picture) In case you have the same jammies at your house and you're wondering if that is indeed an oversized zero-to-3-months-sized nightgown, the answer is yes, yes it is. To further spite the titans of the children's clothing industry, it also used to be D-'s. Three points for us!

Umm... see my list of bad habits*

I'm writing this post as a confessional-- I don't have my homework.

Yes, instead of writing another one of my (self-issued) award-winning posts today, I have blown all my "free time" this morning reading blogs. Any chance you'd accept me tracking down a bunch of the comments I left and just cobbling them together into a list post? Nah, probably not.

So, in addition to a confessional, this is also an apology. That is, unless I commented on your blog this morning, in which case you should feel honored by my selfless exaltation of you and your work over my own. Also, you should feel exceedingly guilty for your undeserved moment of apology-accepting, but you can make it up to me by, shall we say, exploring some of the tempting offers placed around the page or by shopping at Amazon via my link to the right.

Based on the number of people (at other nominated blogs) who misread my noncommittal offer of a magical tote bag for one's eternal soul instead as a legal promise of a regular tote bag for voting for me in a mere blog contest, I just might need all the cash I can get.

Even though that wouldn't personally cost you anything, as a show of gratitude, I still might be able to repay you with a free extra soul.** They're great to play with when you're having a rough day, like a stress ball.


* Here's a link to my list of bad habits (among other things)-- most of them are applicable today.

** Hey, if someone is willing to trade their eternal soul for a tote bag just to make a point, I am certainly going to fulfill my end while also capitalizing my new asset. See Milhouse v. Simpson for legal precedent.

Note to self: Insert funny title later

Well, I'm coming up on 100 posts, and I feel like I'm slipping into a little lull as I've done about once a month so far. I'm then usually saved by a day or two where I write most of 7 posts or so all at once, so don't worry.

I think after I hit 100, I'll try switching to posting only 5 days a week, since it seems like most of you take the weekend off and just catch up on Monday, anyway. I'm sure it's best in the long run for my ability to keep chugging away at crafting these teardrops of genius I call blog posts. (Humor me, please.) I haven't yet had much tangible success in getting the kids to write their own entries, but I'll keep working at it.

I mean, wouldn't you rather hear it straight from the source why M- chooses to 1) snack on dust bunnies, 2) put shoes on her head while laughing maniacally, or 3) demand tributes of Rice Chex she doesn't want to eat? Or why D- 1) is obsessed with blankets and cloths, 2) doesn't allow anyone else to pretend about what he is pretending, or 3) doesn't understand how everyone else knows when he has to go to the bathroom before he seems to?

Anyway, I think you can expect roughly the same amount and quality (whatever that may be) of content, just distributed a little differently. If you happen to have some free time on an off day and curse my very name for not allowing you to procrastinate the way we all love, please do peruse my blogroll and other links on the right for some reliable entertainment. Then you can keep the dishes and chores at bay the same way we do around here!

To help this post qualify as such, here's a miniature Conversation with D-:

D-: (responding to my suggestion with a serious, patronizing face, burying his amusement) My books could not swim in the water and bite me like a fish.

Me: (unable to contain laughter at his demeanor) You make me laugh!

D-: Yes. I do. Write that in your bwog.

Ever the obedient servant, I've done as commanded.

A conversation with M-: I want what I want...

Consider this an experiment-- after several amusing (to me) conversations with D-, here is the debut Conversation with M-. Being that she is only about 15 months old, you must understand all conversations we have are pretty brief.

If only you could hear her voice when she says anything, I'd have hundreds of extremely cute and funny short conversations for you. Without that dimension, they're mostly pretty boring. Hopefully this one is translatable enough to give you a two-second smile:

I was holding M- by the counter, first thing this morning. She was calling out "''hungry", "eat", and "more, please" while scoping out her options.

M-: 'Naa-nuhhh!

Me: You want a banana?

M-: (thinks for a second) No. (She's getting to the point where she's honor-bound to answer 'No' to any question she's asked.)

M-: (sees a lollipop on the counter) 'An-dee!!

So now we know the latest high-priority addition to her ever-expanding vocabulary.

An additional child

I've come to the realization that even when I put down M- and D-, I'm still carrying our other stubbornly clingy toddler, Belly. I mean, 20 pounds roughly equals one toddler, right? So I'm going to start thinking of it that way, to provide myself with a tiny, weak, easily vanquished, and non-intimidating enemy.

Belly is a stubborn and demanding child, though he does keep me warm. Still, he's always known I hate him, so there's no point in pretending anymore that he's imagining my whispered snide remarks and double stink eyes anytime I feed or care for him alongside the other kids. He is most definitely my least favorite child, and in fact I consider his paternity highly in question.

I suppose you may find it disturbing, then, that after personifying this lil fella, I plan to ramp up my efforts to starve him and crush him into oblivion day by day. After months of walking even more than before, I feel like I can walk anywhere without tiring. Luckily our neighborhood has grocery stores, convenience stores, hardware stores, restaurants, and the library all within a few blocks, so it's pretty easy to just walk everywhere.

Hundreds of pushups and crunchers have also helped rebalance my body composition, and they have left little Belly on the defensive, wondering what he ever did to deserve this treatment. Soon he'll be like one of those poor, emaciated, swollen little children on one of those charity commercials, but unfortunately for Belly, there will be no creepy bearded man gratingly badgering and guilting people into sending money to allegedly help him save the waif.

Little Belly will instead stand like Oliver Twist before the Master, pleading for more pizza and junk food, but he shan't receive a crumb beyond his allotment, and so shall I hang him for his insolence. I swear by the benevolent gods Mozzarella and Canadian Bacon, Bellicose J. Tumtum shall perish from this Earth by the close of a fortnight!

[Editor's note: Okay, more like several months, since I take a relaxed approach to most everything, and because I don't want to die, but I'm trying to really scare him here.]

No mo NaBloPoMo

Well, in some ways the month just flew by, and even though I struggled at times, publishing a post once a day for a month wasn't as hard as I thought it might be. That being said, I'm still not up to publishing every day of the year.

I'm looking forward to taking a day off here and there, but if this month is any indication, I can keep finding something to say on most days for the foreseeable future. See you tomorrow!

Spending my daylight time

Apparently we forgot to tell M- that Daddy was promised she would wake up an hour later today...

Let me just say that, children aside, I still hate Daylight Saving Time. I think it's antiquated and unnecessary, regardless of the purported side benefits of fewer car accidents at rush hour and less energy consumed overall. I'm too tired to think of how these aspects are offset somewhere else, but I know they are.

I wish more states (and countries) would rebel and we could all just give up the ridiculousness.

This agony is not worth the one day with an hour of extra sleep. Especially when kids just wake up an hour earlier then, anyway. Damn well-rested children.

It's NaBloPoMo fo LitDa

I had planned to do this in November, but now that NaBloPoMo (National Blog Publishing Month) is expanding to any month of the year, I am going to publish a new entry each day of the month of March.

So this is entry number one, but I promise they won't all be super simple like this. I've been consistently posting about 5 days a week so far, so I really just need to come up with about 8 more posts this month, which shouldn't be too hard.

I won't dare attempt Blog365 (you can imagine what that means) until I am much more seasoned. Besides, since 2008 has 366 days, I would just be doomed to failure from the start. I can see doing 365 posts, but 366? Come on.

I'm not promising I won't be so hard-pressed sometime this month that I won't do a whole post of nonsense akin to the title of this post... HoDoThaSo?

A political experiment

Here is an experiment:
Ron Paul.

I'm not sure how many people will get this, but let's see if I get some comment spam now from misguided Ron Paul supporters.

Footnote: To clarify, I say "misguided" meaning people misguided in their method of supporting him, not that they are misguided to support him at all. I think he has a fresh voice and a straightforward manner that is very welcome in our American politics. I love the fact that I respect this guy without agreeing with much more than half of what he says, either in concept entirely or just the extent to which he wants to change certain things.

Anyway, the experiment failed, since I don't yet exist in most search engines, among other factors. Wonh-wohhhhhh....