24 April 2008

An additional child

I've come to the realization that even when I put down M- and D-, I'm still carrying our other stubbornly clingy toddler, Belly. I mean, 20 pounds roughly equals one toddler, right? So I'm going to start thinking of it that way, to provide myself with a tiny, weak, easily vanquished, and non-intimidating enemy.

Belly is a stubborn and demanding child, though he does keep me warm. Still, he's always known I hate him, so there's no point in pretending anymore that he's imagining my whispered snide remarks and double stink eyes anytime I feed or care for him alongside the other kids. He is most definitely my least favorite child, and in fact I consider his paternity highly in question.

I suppose you may find it disturbing, then, that after personifying this lil fella, I plan to ramp up my efforts to starve him and crush him into oblivion day by day. After months of walking even more than before, I feel like I can walk anywhere without tiring. Luckily our neighborhood has grocery stores, convenience stores, hardware stores, restaurants, and the library all within a few blocks, so it's pretty easy to just walk everywhere.

Hundreds of pushups and crunchers have also helped rebalance my body composition, and they have left little Belly on the defensive, wondering what he ever did to deserve this treatment. Soon he'll be like one of those poor, emaciated, swollen little children on one of those charity commercials, but unfortunately for Belly, there will be no creepy bearded man gratingly badgering and guilting people into sending money to allegedly help him save the waif.

Little Belly will instead stand like Oliver Twist before the Master, pleading for more pizza and junk food, but he shan't receive a crumb beyond his allotment, and so shall I hang him for his insolence. I swear by the benevolent gods Mozzarella and Canadian Bacon, Bellicose J. Tumtum shall perish from this Earth by the close of a fortnight!

[Editor's note: Okay, more like several months, since I take a relaxed approach to most everything, and because I don't want to die, but I'm trying to really scare him here.]


Mama Dawg said...

Haha! I love the name Bellicose J Tumtum. When we have to replace a beta fish (cause you know one will inevitably die), I shall name him Bellicose J Tumtum and call him Belly for short.


Anonymous said...

Kick belly out of the house! Tell him it's to start the emancipation paperwork.

Anonymous said...

I was going to say--a fortnight might be a little ambitious! But you let me know how it works out for you (no pun intended) b/c my 5 days a week at the gym for the last 3 and a half weeks hasn't done a darn thing!

LiteralDan said...

mama dawg: I hate that a fish has to die for another to carry the torch of this name, but so it must be.

theneatos: I'll be contacting my lawyer in the morning. (Cool site, by the way-- I plan to check it out some more tomorrow.)

christy: Maybe I'll do a followup post about it in awhile. As for your progress, I'm sure you lost fat and gained muscle, for a net gain/loss of zero, but it'll pay off soon. Hang in there!

SherE1 said...

Good luck banishing the unwanted child! Looks like a lot of us are on the same quest. At least they aren't TRIPLETS (belly + love handles) like mine own enemy at the moment. Begone, heathen child! Away with you!

LiteralDan said...

Oh yeah, thanks for that! Just one little doughy runt of a toddler for me.

Look on the bright side-- triplets are always much smaller than single-birth babies, so we might just be even!