18 September 2008

Classic quotes, Vol. 7

That's right, another list post, this one a new collection of lines uttered by this ragtag bunch of slugs:

D- (to me, from across the room): Can you throw me a pencil?

M- (after spitting): Spit-tinnn'!

Katie (in awe of the mangled English mocked at Engrish.com): Why don't they just hire English-speaking hobos and pay them in sandwiches and alcohol to fix their signs??!

Me (to J-, on the phone): Is that someone who'll wanna hear that M- just made pee in the toilet?

M- (quivering with rage while reaching for a toy in D-'s hand): I take it from you!!!

D- (standing there helplessly while trying to get dressed): Mom! She's pulling down my pants... and... now she's playing with my butt.

M- (during the above): Squishy tush!


unmitigated me said...

The fear of the squishy passes to another generation.

thegirlof510 said...

The last two are hilarious!

Kat said...

M-'s toy taking quote makes me think it could be used in some action adventure flick. Most likely that quote would come from some Russian terrorist.

You are right though. These are all classic quotes.

Gucci Mama said...

I'm not sure I've ever heard of a better idea than paying hobos in sandwiches to fix mangled English on foreign signs.

PS - I knew Eating was running around on me. Sometimes you just get that feeling, you know? But reading and listening to music? Et tu?

Rikki said...

I love how the younger sibling can render the older one helpless. Mine do that too.

Goldfish said...

Very funny post. A friend and I have a running conversation, "Things I never thought I'd say." It includes such gems as, "Stop playing with your brother's butt."

Kori said...

I actually called two people to tell them Owen pooped in his potty yesterday, so I think you are still ahead of the game; at least you wait for some unsuspecting person to call your house.

Mama Dawg said...

I'm afraid I have a squishy tush as well.

Anonymous said...

Oh, the curse of the squishy tush...I know it well.

LiteralDan said...

Middle Aged Woman: Actually, she was doing anything but fearing it. She was squishing it like there was no tomorrow, and actually she called out "Squishy tush" a few times, while laughing giddily.

I wonder where she could have possibly learned that.

thegirlof510: I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I just kind of closed my eyes and sighed before breaking it up.

Kat: I believe the closest approximation, frighteningly so, in fact, is Daniel Day-Lewis screaming, "I drink your milkshake!!!" in There Will Be Blood.

Stephanie: I think we need to get that up and running. We could have made a killing in Beijing before the Olympics, fixing all their hilariously ridiculous signs they were so embarrassed about. Talk about missed opportunities.

P.S. I have a few more "friends with benefits" on the side, but don't tell Eating.

Rikki: He's most often rendered helpless when he wants to be. Anything bum-related he is all over. He was pretending, pretty convincingly, like he didn't find it funny when she was doing this.

Goldfish: Oh yeah, I think that would be a good, hefty book.

Kori: That's not necessarily true, just in this case :-)

Mama Dawg: I think that's an increasingly common affliction.

MamaNeena: It only strikes at midnight when there's a full moon.

Elisa @ Globetrotting in Heels said...

Hilarious! Not a good read while eating, though. Thank you very much, now I have lo main on my monitor :-)

CaraBee said...

What? No footnotes? I'm disappointed in you, Literal Dan.

Anonymous said...

I think the English-speaking hobos are missing out on a fabulous business opportunity.

Somebody get on that, quick!

LiteralDan said...

Elisa: Hey, don't blame me-- you should have been eating chow mein. The crunchy noodles wouldn't stick so much.

CaraBee: I've been in a pretty prolific phase for footnotes lately, I grant you, but in theory, it's their (relative) rarity* that gives them their power.

* Is this better? I hate to disappoint.

Andrea's Sweet Life: I have a strong feeling the hobos have missed out on a LOT of business opportunities...

Anonymous said...

Dammit, LiteralDan! I'm supposed to be working and instead I've just spent 20 minutes peeing my pants at Engrish.com.

Swirl Girl said...

I guess the fear of squishy only affects the males in your family*

*and imagine if M had called his front squishy - years of therapy on the horizon! A tush should be squishy, right?

Weith Kick said...

Squishy tush. Sounds like some new toy for children. You know, like those squishy things that you see in toy stores that are all squishy. You know, don't you? Squishy, squishy.

The Stiletto Mom said...

It's all fun and games until the kids hug you and say, "Mommeeee...you so squishy!!"

steenky bee said...

These seem like great punch lines. I sometimes wish I could record snippits of sentences from my wee ones. I'm afraid a few of them sound x-rated. You can almost put a "that's what she said" behind anything my son or I say.

Seriously Brenda said...

Thank you for validating the fact that my family isn't the only one with the crazy one-liners!

Mrs4444 said...


LiteralDan said...

Andrea's Sweet Life: I don't see the problem with that-- you're welcome! I hope you're able to discreetly switch chairs later with somebody new at work.

Swirl Girl: I wouldn't know-- mine's always rock hard. Must be all that blogging in a comfy chair that's keeping it toned.

Weith Kick: Kids, if you see Keith's squishy tush in a toy store, excuse yourself immediately and go get an adult. Preferably the prettiest lady you can find.

The Stiletto Mom: Yeah, J- and I have both gotten that treatment at different times, and there's nothing quite like the feeling of bitter defensiveness summoned by an innocent toddler.

jenboglass: I suggest you pick up a mini digital recorder and just let it run all the time. Heck, I should probably do that-- it'd make my life a lot easier.

I love "that's what she said"-- I would definitely step in to say it each time, assuming you didn't stare daggers into me the first time. Speaking of that joke, you won't be sorry you checked out this YouTube video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wLQKsuogUXo

Disclaimer: I swear this is not a "Rickroll".*

* That would be the BEST thing to say before rickrolling someone.**

** Which I'm not, I swear.

Seriously Mama: I live to serve.

Mrs4444: Oh, how I try.

Carol said...

Can't help but laugh at what kids say.

Loving Katie's take on how to deal with the hobo's.

LiteralDan said...

It's like fixing up two lonely people, or introducing chocolate to peanut butter:

Native-English-speaking Hobo, meet non-native speaker in non-English-speaking country, and vice versa.

Merchant: "What do you think of this sign, sir?"

Hobo: "That don't make no f***ing sense, man, but tell you what, it's funny as hell, so leave it like that."