03 September 2008

A conversation with D-: Sleeping with one eye open

Here's a little conversation between my wife and 4-year-old son that I found recorded on a scrap of paper from the pocket of some shorts I wore during my recent vacation in the Minnesota wilderness:

D-: Can I have a burrito?

J-: ... You mean Doritos?? No.

D- (runs to the chip box and returns with a visual aid): I mean these!

J-: Those are Cheetos, and no, you can't have those right now.

D-: OK, I'll save them for later, then.

J-: OK.

D-: ...And just hold them in my hand all day.

This may be his way of telling us that he's on to our scam of letting him forget about treats he acquires and then occasionally devouring the evidence once we feel like he'll never miss them.*

*I swear that little wave of guilt is a kind of perverse reward to make candy taste even sweeter long after the theft, whenever he happens to see a bag of M&Ms at the right moment and says something like, "Hey, remember that time when it was all snowy outside and I got a bag of those candies from that lady we saw at that store? I never ate those..."


unmitigated me said...

because Literal, Jr. would NOT just ask, can I have a snack? Too much room for interpretation. Like fruit. Or cheese.

Shannon said...

Not too long after last Halloween, I noticed a candy wrapper under a chair in our living room... bent down to get it, only to notice another wrapper... I moved the chair and there were no less than 20 wrappers stuffed under there! My oldest (she was then 6) admitted to doing it! If she asked for a piece of candy and was told "no" she'd get one anyway, then hide the wrapper!

Seriously Brenda said...

My three year old will carry a laundry basket around with a days worth of stuff I won't let him have just so he can show his dad at night. Talk about a guilt trip.

I would bet that D would totally hold the Cheetos all day too.

Anonymous said...

Such attention to detail and a good memory. Where does he get it?

Anonymous said...

Heh. At that age my children knew I was all about stealing their treats. So they generally hid them under their pillow.

Smart little buggers.


Mama Dawg said...

LOL! Kids catch on waaaaayyyy too early nowadays.

I can't get anything past my daughter. She has a memory like a steel trap.

Pam said...

my kids know that they're not allowed to have more than two snacks a day..usually after school when homework is done, and a snack/dessert after dinner. now whereas you have young ones, mine are old enough to know 'homey don't play that' BUT it does NOT stop my stepson from sneaking snacks.

he's playing football as an older/lighter in a rec league. which means he CANNOT go over 100lbs. when he's not at home, we have no control over what he eats. his dad asked him to get on the scale the other day and he was refusing. his dad made him. he was at exactly 100 lbs. now you can't be over 100 lbs at first game (not even an ounce) and can only gain 1/2 lb a week. i think showboat knew his dad wouldn't be pleased.

anyways, getting back to the post lol i would find wrappers and such in bathroom trashcans indicating to me that he was sneaking the snacks. when this happens, i take the snack privilege away. doesn't seem to work though, he keeps sneaking them. most days he claims he's 'STARVING'. i have to tell him that ppl in 3rd world countries are starving..he is not.

p.s. i don't steal the treats because i don't eat many sweets, rarely eat chips. it's my husband who will eat them all LOL o.k. i'm done now. LOL

Kat said...

The constant throbbing in my head is caused by my 4 year old constantly asking for snacks when she knows she is only allowed 2 a day (one after lunch, one after dinner). Seriously we have arguments because she refuses to eat breakfast because she thinks that she should have cookies for breakfast. She is so stubborn she will actually refuse to eat breakfast period.

Anonymous said...

You could just go the uber-mean parent route like me and just refuse treats all together and only get the ice cream out after they are asleep. That's just the kind of mother I am!

Swirl Girl said...

They are smarter than us. It's amazing how my kids can remember what treat was promised on which day for which event...yet can't remember to wipe their behinds.

Kori said...

Ha ha, what a great memory! I am so glad mine aren't that smart, ha ha. Because then I would have to fess up to the couple hundred kit kats that magically disappear from their trick or treat bags....I ma totally loving the whole don't ask/don't tell policy; sucks for gays in the military but works for me and candy!

Renee said...

I'm 27 years old, and can still remember the candy that was promised to me. Sweets are a right, not a privelege.

You better give that kid some Cheetoes. Their grown-up Junk Food Advocate says so.

Anonymous said...

it sucks when they start remembering things and you can't do the old switcheroo on 'em anymore.

it's funny how many snack foods end in -ito.

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

It's a nasty trick life plays on us when our kids are suddenly old enough to remember the many injustices we inflict upon them.

My oldest is four now and she's already just the weest bit cynical. So sad.

Meg said...

Dang! I hate when that happens. ;)

Anonymous said...

I do the same exact thing with my kids! Only, they're old to let it go at an "okay" anymore...damn them for growing up!

Brittany said...

Wow, I hope this doesn't happen to me soon, I am the queen of promises I hope they forget about 5 minutes later!

Lola said...

We just don't buy snacks very often. Saves us a lot of aggravation. My poor, poor boy has to grab a box of raisins or head next door to the junk-food junkie castle -- my mother's house.

Jenny Grace said...

Smart kid.
Mine never forgets about ANYTHING. Sometimes he wakes up in the dead middle of the night to make sure I haven't rearranged his STUFF while his eyes were closed. Considering that he's two, I get nervous when I consider what the future may hold.

LiteralDan said...

Middle Aged Woman: Precisely.

Shannon: Oooooh, busted!! My punishment? Go out for Halloween and work those houses harder than ever, then bring all the candy home for Daddy to eat. You know, to teach her a lesson.

Seriously Mama: That kid and I would get along great. I pretty much always have a "laundry basket" of stuff I'm lugging around waiting for the right time.

Mary: Some things are just a mystery.

Redneck Mommy: Welcome to my humble abode, your redneckliness!

I'm guessing you started telling them stories of The Tooth Fairy's cousin The Candy Fairy, who comes around whenever children put candy under their pillows to trade that candy for empty wrappers?

Mama Dawg: Looks like you'll have to move on to riddles, then, to keep ahead of her.

ciara: I'd hate being regulated for sports like that, but it's probably for the best in the long run.

You'll have to listen for crinkling to make sure he's not smuggling out empty wrappers when he goes to school.

Kat: I gotta admire the stubbornness, though I would stomp it out with an iron boot if I were you, at least until she's 10 or so.

MamaNeena: I can do you better than that-- I quickly eat cookies, candy, or whatever else is handy when they are right in the other room, eating something lame. Then I go back about my business of getting a sensible lunch/etc. for myself.

Swirl Girl: I'll second that, for sure, especially given our experience around here this evening. I'll still coughing over that.

Kori: Mmmm... Kit Kats... Is it Halloween yet???

Renee: Oh trust me, he ended up getting those Cheetos eventually. He's been cursed with my memory.

├╝berburber: I've often thought the same thing. Who was the first to make a fake-Spanish snack food?

Kimberly: I'll drink to that. My kid's already been disappointed in me on numerous occasions. With the look, and everything.

Meg: You're tellin' me! That kid's been a gravy train of candy and snacks for four years. Every day it's looking more and more like we'll have to abandon him for scrap and move on to the newer model.

Christy: While we're at it, let's damn ME for growing up!

Brittany: Then it would seem I am your king! I promise I won't have you beheaded to make room for the wife I already have.

Lola: Thankfully D- loves raisins, nuts, banana chips, and such, just as much as the usual stuff. I'm sure that will pass any day now, as he fully realizes the significance of which pool of foods he gets to eat more freely than the others.

Miss Grace: Be nervous, be verrrrrrry nervous. He's learning early what black magic rolls freely through the night air... from maybe around 8-11:30pm.

SM said...

I just read this to my husband. He missed a lot of the humor I think, because I couldn't get a whole sentence out without laughing. We just ate the rest of the ice cream cake.... Sssshhhhhhh....

LiteralDan said...

Try reading him some of the Not Kids posts, or the original 10 reasons post-- maybe he'll like those better.

And then try overnighting me a piece of ice cream cake, since you were so cruel to bring up that miracle of deliciousness. In fact, since you have to go buy a whole new one, you may as well just send me the entire cake instead of just a piece.

I'll be waiting by the mailbox. Thanks in advance!