29 September 2008

Driving: A love story

While I was driving us home from the mall the other day, J- selfishly decided that she and her throbbing brain wanted a time-out from the glorious wonder that is Arcade Fire's Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels), but being a sane person, I reiterated my insistence that it be played at full volume at all times from now until I close my eyes.

So, to compromise, she reached for the Balance knob to push the sound over to my side of the car. We all know how horribly this ruins the acoustics, so you can recognize my level of sacrifice in allowing this.

Then, as her inexplicable treachery was almost complete, a brief insight into the plans of whatever force put us on this Earth was revealed to me, as a clear reward for my Job-like patience and tolerance of the weaknesses of others.

As she rolled through the 7 levels of Balance, for a brief second, a word flashed in my peripheral vision that promised to make the whole ordeal worthwhile. I nearly slammed on the brakes, but instead I continued driving while choking out, "Gobackgobackgoback!!!" In confusion, she complied, and I stopped her when the Balance was towards the Left at level 5.

Sure enough, slicing through the dark night in bright blue capital letters, flashed the word BALLS.

And I love my car more than ever.


Mandi said...

I know better than to touch the radio when my husband is in the car. The situation never turns out in my favor... Thanks for visiting my blog the other day! It was nice to finally have a comment!

Meg said...

Too funny.

But I feel torn. I also have headaches and wish for quiet time.

I also love Arcade Fire and believe that the only way to listen to them is to turn up the volume. So what do you do?

I suppose with an iPod & earphones you wouldn't have gotten your love story and would've been forced to write about Sarah Palin like the rest of us.

btw, Wife should be thankful you weren't listening to the Dropkick Murphy's.

Mama Dawg said...

I just have a ghost kid and drug paraphanelia in my car. You get one that says pornographic words.

You suck. (and win)

Irrational Dad said...

Well... I know what I'm doing when I get in my car tomorrow.

Ali said...

LOL! I'd check that out but I have no idea how to change the balance OR the clock in my van.

Imez said...

I...did not understand a word of this. At least not in the order which you strung them together.

Don't freak out, but I think you may already be dead.

Chris M. said...

Dammit. That sounds exactly like something I would do. Expect I would more than likely leave it there, snickering, waiting for someone else to notice.

Weather Moose

Seriously Brenda said...

You mean to tell me that you can actually listen to the radio in the car? Damn you Ford for putting a DVD player in my Expedition. All Blues Clues, all the time.

Renee said...

And now I love your blog more than ever.

Leslie said...

OMG. Imez made my day.

Allison said...

Yay Arcade Fire!

And balls.

Aracely said...

j- Never touch a black mans radio!

cIII said...

That's better than BOOBS on the Calculator.

Brittany said...

Ahhh...BALLS always makes even the darkest skies lighten up a bit. YAY for BALLS!

Swirl Girl said...

That is funnier than when a kid says it!


Kori said...

My kids know better than to touch the balance in the car; I have them well-trained. Also along those same lines is the fact that my car doesn't need to say balls, because the kids supply that word and others like it on a reguslr basis. Until I started traveling with duct tape, that is.

Anonymous said...

But the question remains - did J- laugh or roll her eyes?

steenky bee said...

Yay for you and the balls. Nothing can stop you now.

May you balance always be to the left at level 5.

Elisa @ Globetrotting in Heels said...

Oh, ehm... what was that now?

I am a Tornado ~ proven fact! said...

Arcade Fire, funny, didn't know they really had a following, love em too!

HYSTERICAL. Truth is stranger ...

unmitigated me said...

I've heard something about BALLS and being slightly to the left. I didn't realize they were talking about your car.

Ringleader said...

So now what's you wife to do? Must she now choose between listening to Arcade Fire equally balanced or watching you exclaim gleefully, "heh, it says balls!" Not fair... in a perfect world, she could have both!

Anonymous said...

aaah, yes, the children are reading now. like when my son read "I kissed a girl" on the radio display and, after listening to the song, said "wasn't that a girl singing mommy?" and you can imagine the conversation that ensued.

Summer said...

hahaha! YES. this makes you even radder! more rad. radderist. and no, we weren't allowed to stomp the grapes. i asked. something about contamination and toe jam and blah blah blah. some people just dont know how to party.

Anonymous said...

you said balls...hehe!

How to Party with an Infant said...

You're like Knight Rider. I'd love to see the word 'balls' more often. That and "hump." For some reason I like those words a lot.

CaraBee said...

I love Arcade Fire. When I saw the name I had to immediately go over to Rhapsody and play the song while I read the rest of this post. Seems fitting. Sadly, I don't have an equalizer that says BALLS. There is no justice in the world.

Pam said...

i hate when anyone touches the radio in my car. yesterday we went out to dinner in the van and my husband put on his rock stations...i say to him that i wish that i had ear plugs because i really wasn't in the mood for that crap right now. but, i tolerated it...it was only for 15 mins there and 15 mins back. when he's in his car he can listen to whatever the hell he wants lol

LiteralDan said...

To clarify for those who were confused, the three bits of information are all crowded together in the block-type digital display-- BAL for Balance, L for Left, and 5 for the level.

Hence it said BALL5 as one word, which reads indistinguishably from BALLS. Maybe I'll post a picture sometime.

Mandi: "Never turns out in your favor" meaning you have to have him rush you to the hospital to reattach your finger, or meaning he gets snippy with you for awhile?

And you're welcome, I liked what I read!

Prefers Her Fantasy Life: Yeah I have a hard time listening to that song, particularly, at a reasonable volume. The loudness is like the final instrument perfecting the symphony.

I wouldn't dare listen to this song in headphones, unless I was actively forsaking the ability to ever hear again.

I'll have to look up the Dropkick Murphys.

Mama Dawg: At least you don't have a funny smell in there anymore, right? Doesn't everyone who sucks win?

Isn't that how most people make it to the top?

Joe: Please do report back how it goes.

ali: If you are a dedicated servant of comedy, then I am willing to help you out-- send me a picture of your stereo and I bet I'll have you set in no time.

Imez: Are you questioning my syntax, madame?? I've rarely been so insulted in the last hour! If you were just lost by the ending, see my note at the top of this comment.

If I'm dead and this is a dream, I've gotta say it's disappointing. What's the point of shuffling off a perfectly good mortal coil just to hang around in Mundaneville eking out a living? I wanna at least be able to fly and/or fight crime. And robots! Preferably robots with a simple weakness I can exploit, because I just hate a challenge.

Chris: I would think your radio is stuck on the Weather Channel with the knob broken off, so you can stay informed as well as critique their technique.

Seriously Mama: Sounds like it's time for the DVD player to magically break until such day as it's needed again, when Mommy or Daddy can poke it with a screwdriver meaningfully so that it works again. Seriously.

Renee: It doesn't love you like I love you-- it's just using you, and it will leave you for a younger reader as soon as it's done with you. You'll see.

Laggin: Ummmm... I'm right here! You're supposed to be endlessly praising me at all times, or at least attacking me in an interesting manner. I assume you have now come to your senses and you take it back and are now rightfully crediting your day to me instead.

Allison: I like to think that some day, one or more members of the band will stumble across this and be shocked at how they were lumped in with Balls like a giant many-headed Canadian penis.

Threeboys1mommy: I understand the words that are coming out of your mouth. And you better have glaucoma.

cIII: But 80085 is a classic! It's the George Washington of its field. There can be no "better", because there's no comparison.

Brittany: Sure you aren't sick of balls yet? I hope for your sake this next one is a girl, to help balance your house out some.

Swirl Girl: Well, that depends-- is the kid a sweet little year-and-a-half-old girl? Cause I'm not sure that anything is funnier than that.

Except for maybe Arrested Development.

Kori: Just watch for them to smuggle in a magic marker to write selected hilarious words on the outside of the tape, both to amuse themselves and to form a silent protest.

Andrea's Sweet Life: Both, actually, cause that's how she rolls. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

jenboglass: Think I should get another tattoo with that written out like an ancient proverb?

Elisa: Balls, my friend, it was BALL5.

I am a Tornado ~ proven fact!: Well, apparently there's more than a few fans just in this tiny sampling of people. I wonder if they even know how many fans they have.

I'll have to do a post featuring Aberfeldy to see how many people like, would like, or have at least heard of them.

Middle Aged Woman: I humbly lay down my petard at your feet.* I won't even try to top that.

* Don't worry, it's defused.

Ringleader: There you go-- my kind of woman! If it wasn't for the headache, she would have been right there with me. Except for the part where my drum pedaling (left foot only, of course) was apparently rhythmically shaking the whole car.

├╝berburber: I can imagine it, I can! And I love it. To avoid the awkwardness at his age, you could just say she was singing about her daughter or something. Then again, I don't have the lyrics handy or on the top of my head, so for all I know, that might only traumatize him if he was listening closely.

As for my kids, I wish they could have read the display, because most of the time, only preschoolers truly understand and appreciate my humor.

Summer: It's always good to know I have room to grow on the Rad scale. When I reach the peak, will I finally get that fame and fortune I so desire?

Isn't toe jam what they put in the cheaper wines, to add body and texture on the cheap?

MamaNeena: Better yet, I said BALLS!

How to Party with an Infant: I hear that a lot, I think it's the 80s perm and my looks that drive the Germans wild.

Are you trying to reveal something by saying you want to see "Balls" and "Hump" more often? What does it mean that I agree? I love the "Speed Humps" signs they sometimes post around here.

CaraBee: I thought of suggesting people play the video (linked in the post) while reading, but then I figured most people wouldn't, and the post wasn't long enough to get very far into the song.

Still, I suggest everyone play it now if they are even remotely inclined, and even if they're not.

ciara: It can be tough to stomach some truly awful music when you're not driving, but generally we each respect our stereo rights. J- would kill me if I let everyone think she was just freely stomping all over the Constitution of Driving With Music.

Jenni said...

Well, that is just the balls, isn't it?

LiteralDan said...

You said it-- that's a great saying for so many things in life.

Seriously Brenda said...

I am so breaking the DVD player on the way to preschool tomorrow. Whoopeeeee!!!

LiteralDan said...

No, no-- you gotta unhook it somewhere inconspicuous while they're in bed.

That way you have an alibi, while still being sure they can't make it work and reveal your ruse.

Good luck, and God speed.

Seriously Brenda said...

Successful mission completed. I won't be back if my head explodes on the way to preschool tomorrow. On the other hand, if I can listen to my iTunes library in the car, I owe you my unwavering bloggy dedication!

LiteralDan said...

I'll take it even if it doesn't work out-- I'll take good care of it, honest! You won't have to do anything for it and you won't even know it's here... pleeeeeeease!!

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