12 November 2008

At long last, Pt. 2

I've never done long multi-part posts like this before (unless you count the saga of how I nearly lost an eye), but it became clear it was definitely called for this time.

You may want to read Part 1 of my experience at the election day Obama rally in Grant Park before continuing.

Once inside the Parallel Party Someone's Mom Organized For The Uninvited Nerds, we found that to keep the mob from storming the inexplicably opaque* fences of the Cool People's Party, at least 10 Jumbotrons were set up around the rest of the park, with the primary one alone allowing probably 60,000 people to soak in CNN's commercials** and ridiculous gimmicks for hours before and after Obama's actual speech (on a closed-circuit feed).

So we had to satisfy ourselves with watching TV while standing alongside a whole bunch of other very happy voters. Since it was immediately evident that all of these many, many spectators were exceedingly peaceful and well-mannered, this prospect wasn't as undesirable as it might have been under other circumstances. I had known for months that I wanted to be out Amongst The People for this night, no matter the outcome, and I got exactly what I came for.

J-, on the other hand, apparently got some kind of alien larvae threatening to Cesaerean itself right out of her abdomen, as was the diagnosis issued by the esteemed Doctor We-Don't-Want-To-Leave-So-We'll-Just-Play-It-By-Ear-While-Basking-In-The-Extra-Space-A-Sudden-Unexplained-Vaguely-Stomach-Related-Illness-Helpfully-Provides-In-A-Crowd.

The Bored Horsemen of the Apocalypse
These guys got all dressed up for nothing.

I haven't mentioned how miraculously warm it was that night, but it was over 70 degrees for three straight days, which is about 40 degrees higher than a typical November in Chicago. Clearly, it was a sign that God wants Barack Obama to be president.

This warmth was amped up at least 10 degrees in the thick of that many walking space heaters, and I'm sure the oxygen content of the air within the crowd was about half the dose required for sustaining life. Hence J-'s alien larvae decided to take evasive action by cutting power to her ears, sense of balance, and (almost) her consciousness.

It was at this point I decided to let J- lead us in a little conga line back through the crowd, issuing promises of copious vomit to anyone unwilling to make way quickly enough. I left her on a strangely unused filthy stage far from any of the Jumbotrons, and then made my way back into the madness to find some water.

Not just any water, mind you --after all, we were alongside one of the largest sources of fresh water in the world-- but rather the most expensive water I could find. Nothing's too good for my precious, and how else does one measure quality but by expense?

Luckily, I was in amongst a large, captive pool of consumers, so I felt sure I could count on Connie's Pizza to provide me with nothing but the best. After waiting out the 350 people ahead of me, I was relieved though unsurprised to find a bottle of water (not unlike the two I had confiscated at the gate) going for a patriotic $3, and knowing this stuff thus must be far better than any beverage I'd previously ingested, I readily threw down my money for a $5 slice of pizza while I was at it (since the mysteriously ill lady had decided greasy cheese would be an invaluable assistant in getting back on her feet).
After saluting the noble folks at Connie's (look for their Delivery Maseratis in a neighborhood near you), I again waded through a rainbow blur of human skin, dropped off the food, refolded J-'s death shroud, and headed out to find us a new base of operations. As I walked all over this sprawling park, I found several previously unnoticed McCain-sized rallies around each bend, in a layout I couldn't even begin to map out. If only the Secret Service would release some of the photos they must have been taking from their lonely helicopters up there in that restricted airspace, I could feel vindicated in my opinion of the crowd estimates.
Once again, you can read part 1 here, and look for part 3 tomorrow and part 4 after that.

* Why can't I at least watch through the short chain-link fence, under the watchful eye of security forces?? Those flimsy little fences weren't protecting ANYone.

** I can't have been the only one looking for my DVR remote to obliterate those commercials. I'd almost forgotten what an irritating experience they provide.


Vodka Mom said...

I am captivated by your story! I can't wait to read the brilliant (I'm sure it will be....) conclusion!!

must get water...........

Ali said...

Oh I've heard that Connie's Pizza has the best water!

Katie said...

I'm so jealous! I would have loved to be there!!

unmitigated me said...

I've always known Chicago was full of aliens. I didn't realize the extent to which thay had taken over.

Goldfish said...

CNN was highly irritating at home on our single, embarrassingly small television. My eyeballs would have bled if I'd been forced to watch multiple, gigantic, holographic Will.I.Ams.

Allison said...

All I can really add is that I would have love to have been there. Thank you for sharing!

Anonymous said...

It seems you handle large crowds quite well...if I were ill in a large crowd, I would have to say my claustro husband would NOT be able to wade thru that "rainbow blur of human skin" (nice line) for me. I know you're talking about major history here but what I'm seeing is a good hubby... :-)

Captain Dumbass said...

Mmm mmm, a cup full of Lake Michigan sure sounds good.

LiteralDan said...

Vodka Mom: Well, thanks a lot for jinxing me-- I don't think I'll have it ready till later today now. Pressure... pressure... can't take the pressure!

As for the water, I can grab a cup from the kitchen-- only $2. How do I get away with prices this low??? It's a trade secret!

ali: They're known for it, actually-- the pizza is just a gimmick to keep people drinking their water, with its patented formula.

Having used some sophisticated chemistry technology, though, I managed to break a sample down myself, and I'll give you a tip that might get me thrown in jail-- they use TWO parts hydrogen.

Middle Aged Woman: It's common knowledge that all police horses are alien beings-- how else could they manage to contain themselves to those hilarious little horse diapers?

Goldfish: But on a huge TV, it all actually made sense and wasn't a ridiculously huge waste of time and resources!

Sorry, that's all the effort I can expend trying to sell that load... did it work?

Katie and Allison: I'm hoping for tickets to the Inauguration-- you guys should try for it, too!

Lee the MWOB Queen: Well thanks, I'll have to package that into a snarky comeback in case I ever need it as ammo to win an argument with my wife.

As for the crowds, I like large crowds better than small ones, but that's just because I like being able to blend in at will.

Captain Dumbass: Just make sure you aren't dipping your cup near the emergency sewage overload outlets.

Anonymous said...

Hey! I know you're busy and all, but you won my giveaway! You need to email me so I can send you goodies.

Midwest Mom said...

Parallel Party Someone's Mom Organized For The Uninvited Nerds

Now, THAT was funny.


I'm reading this and thinking -- vomit? Thank the Lord the campaign decided to have this outdoors. Otherwise, it could have started the kind of chain reaction that destroyed the Death Star.

I'll tune in whenever Part 3 is done in the oven. (I think I smell something burning...) ;)


Anonymous said...

Wish I had been there!
Anita (down in Florida)

LiteralDan said...

MamaNeena: Do I get an oversized check, at least just to get a picture with?

Midwest Mom: That's a fantastic, yet frightening, mental image.

And something's burning, all right-- I should have just waited till I had everything all written out, set them to publish, and taken 3 days off. But then I am an idiot.

anita doberman: It was definitely a unique experience, but I'm still hoping to supersede it with a trip to the Inauguration. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Pam said...

my stepson will be at the inauguration ball & such. i don't think he knows how lucky he is to be part of that event...that history. it's all part of a smithsonian trip where they will be going to pennsylvania, new york, and then washington d.c. shoot, at this moment, i wish i was in 8th grade going to my kids' school just so i could go. hehe

LiteralDan said...

Lousy kids never know what they've got till it's gone. I'm also jealous of them, because I have a feeling there's no way I'll be getting in to that party.