My life in six words

It's odd to post something so short, but that's all this meme calls for-- I was tagged by Emily (Mama Dawg) at Two Dogs Running a couple of weeks ago, and given the lag time between the tag and my response, my answer couldn't be more apropos.

Write your memoir in six words:
I'll Write This Up Tomorrow... Maybe

And now, to pass it along, I choose the following people:
1) Christy - Heavy on the Caffeine (because she said she loves these)
2) MamaNeena - MamaNeena
3) Mrs. 4444 - Half-Past Kissin' Time

As usual, feel free to decline the tag, because I know some people get harder hit with these than I do. So far, I've found them pretty handy when I'm hard up for post ideas, especially on the weekend.

Can't I be a Stay-At-Somewhere-More-Fun Dad?

The select few people older than 4 who I meet these days sometimes openly wonder what it's like to be a stay-at-home dad, often with either a sympathetic or subtly tortured look on their face.

I can promise you that certainly being one is much less remarkable now than it was decades ago, but that doesn't mean that nowadays, even in a place as diverse and culturally amorphous as the particular Chicago suburb where I live, you won't become a stare-worthy oddity akin to a dog walking down the street on two feet with a cat on a leash.

For example, the other day when we arrived at a park we’d never been to before (there are probably at least 20 parks of varying sizes within a half-mile of our house), two kids saw me approaching unchaperoned with the kids, and once we got to within 3 feet of them, the older girl asked her dad (while staring into my eyes, bewildered), “Is their Mommy at the doctor today, too??" In all fairness, what other possible explanation on Earth could there be for a man to accompany children to a park at 3:30 in the afternoon? Just go ahead and try to think of one, before you judge her... shame on you.

I’ve only hinted at this kind of thing here and there, but that’s because a) it’s been done many times before, and better, b) it doesn’t really bother me all that much, and c) it doesn’t come up as often for me as it does for others, because we don’t go out much during the day beyond the park, library, and my parents’ house (my dad is semi-retired and works mostly from home). That’s still enough, though, to generate a healthy inventory of stares, comments, and other encounters to make sure I know I am living a bizarre, unnatural life, and even that I only may or may not be providing any tangible benefit for my family or its well-being. And that I am merely lazy.

Actually, that very last part was just me projecting, because I got confused into thinking this was a confessional. Sorry, world.

So what does it feel like to be a man spending more than a few hours each evening with my children? (I’ve done that too, and will do it again, so I’m not bad-mouthing it.) Well, most days it feels an awful lot like moderate groin pain (moderate is an average of all days), because abusing groins is how children seem to amuse themselves. I think digging deeper into this area (no pun intended) may clue scientists into how we humans developed our traditionally rigid gender roles. Women have to be “fancy on the inside” (thanks, Mr. Rogers) as a measure of protection against our species’ sadistic and conveniently-heighted children.

That, or children are directed by women to help even the groin-pain score.

I’ll spare you any gory examples, because no one wants to hear about such things... wait, I’m just getting word that people LOVE to hear about such things… news to me. Okay, well, I already mentioned one in #5 of this post, and of course there’s the usual kneeing, stepping, and standing that kids of all ages make sure to do when climbing onto laps, particularly whenever a computer might be a momentary rival for parental attention*.

A more specific event, or ever-whimsical series of events, as it were, involves M-'s new habit of getting my attention (even when I'm already looking at her) by reaching up and quickly grabbing fistfuls of my pants until she finds something good to rupture inside. You may say, "But Dan, this just means you need to stop laying around blogging, playing videogames, watching movies, refusing to feed your children, and all the other things you clearly spend your entire day doing!"

Well, I will say to that that while I do obviously blog each day, and I occasionally play videogames, I generally do the latter with my children (that makes me a good father, right?) and only very seldom. That’s why I talk about it so much-- I’m pining. But most importantly, I promise you that while I may spend time doing some unconventional things, I make up for it by dedicating almost no time at all to cleaning or general household upkeep. So the time spent playing with my children or taking them places ends up evening out. So there.

In closing, my points are as follows:

1) Most people are inherently suspicious of stay-at-home dads (I'm sick of that term).

2) If you're thinking of becoming a Male Homemaker (is that better?), I'm not going to lie to you-- prepare to be ridiculously emasculated on an almost-daily basis. It's a good exercise, by fire, in beginning to truly not care what other people think (in the good way). This has been a difficult experience for me, but definitely rewarding.

3) Being a stay-at-home dad is a lot easier if you're bad at it, but you have to resist that temptation and find a balance. At the same time that society's expectations can put a lot of pressure on you, it also conversely takes a lot off, so much so that your wife will become insanely jealous of the behaviors people tolerate from you that might be ruled child neglect if she engaged in them.

4) We rarely clean our house, so I don't know when our kids might have friends come over.

5) I really wish my kids would stop hitting me in the nuts.


* As an aside (I know it’s uncharacteristic), let me just put the word out to any kids reading this-- when you knee me in the groin, even when I’m sitting down and semi-protected, while you will definitely get my attention, you will not win my affection. The computer certainly has never done that to me, and notice how many blog posts I’ve written-- get the message? I should expect this from M-, but I'd think D- would at least have an inkling of the need to be more careful. Maybe I’ll just have to hold out for that sympathy until his friends gracefully descend from the antechamber, as it were.

Fivespot meme

I was tagged by Mamaneena to answer these eight questions related to the number five (my favorite number, coincidentally). I'm not sure why there aren't five questions, for symmetry, but here goes nothing:

What were you doing five years ago?
I was in Ireland on a one-month trip during college that was just awesome. J- was and still is very jealous, so I feel bad for saying again that it was just awesome. I made some good friends, saw lots of cool stuff across the country, learned some things about myself and Irish history, and of course, to make the College Trip complete, I did the cliche thing and got a tattoo (along with several other people) to commemorate the experience.

What are/were five things on your to-do list for today?
• Go to the park
• Go to the Festival of Cultures in our town
• Go bowling with J- (she took the next two days off to have a long, fun weekend)
• Go to the store
• Do some more straightening up around the house

What five snacks do you enjoy?
• Fresh bakery bread
• Raisins
• Walnuts
• Goldfish crackers
• Steamed broccoli with cheddar cheese

What five things would you do if you were a billionaire?
• Consult a financial advisor
• Buy a house
• Set up a strategic series of savings/investment accounts
• Give a bunch of money/gifts to my family, if they'd accept them
• Start handing out cash (anonymously, if necessary) to those in need

What are five of your bad habits?
• I procrastinate... this encompasses probably five sub-bad-habits all in one
• I spend too much time on the computer
• I make plans for my/our life without ever actually putting them into action
• I'm pretty lazy
• I'm not confrontational enough when I need to be, and too much so sometimes when I shouldn't be

What are five places you have lived?
• Morton Grove, IL
• Champaign, IL
• Urbana, IL
• Presque Isle, ME
• Skokie, IL

What are five jobs you have had?
• Caddy (golf)
• Movie theater supervisor
• Newspaper copy editor
• Temp - HR clerk/MSDS Inventory Specialist/etc.
• Technical Writer/Editor

What five people do you want to tag?
• SherE1 - His. Mine. Ours.
• Mama Dawg - Two Dogs Running
• Cassey - Diapers Sold Separately
• TerriRainer - Terri Rainer Published Author
• Christy - Heavy on the Caffeine

I haven't done one of these before, but it was fun. Two more of you (SherE1 and Mama Dawg) are waiting on me to post for your tags from last week, and I haven't forgotten. In the meantime, I tagged you back with this one to tide you over.

I hope you are all fascinated with the many things you learned about me, and will use them to change your life, and the world, for the better. I'm certain you all shall.

Support your local blogger!

I just wanted to call time out to shamelessly take care of a little business:

I realized that those of you receiving my posts via e-mail or feed won't see that I've put up an announcement on the blog itself about my nomination for Best Daddy Blog at the Best of Blogs site. Vote for me today and tell all your friends to do the same, or so help me, I will begin tickling this baby, and I may even eat her tummy-- I'm just crazy enough to do it!

It's the second-best way you can support this blog, to keep the rambling stories and parenthetical statements coming!

As long as I'm shaking you down for votes and clicks, I'll also mention that I recently signed up at a fun site called Humor-blogs.com, a pretty self-explanatory index of funny blogs that are peer-reviewed and rated as well as ranked by the amount of traffic they drive to Humor-blogs.com from their site. So any time you're in a mood to peruse some other attempted-humor-based blogs similar to but better than this one, please do click through to that site. Even once this post gets buried, you can still find the link in my Of Interest to Me and Membership lists to the right.*

Okay, now I need to go take a shower to remove the stench of desperate self-promotion, along with that of baby pee. Though when you think about it, the shower is probably the worst place at our house to hide from pee. Nevertheless, I shall endure, and I'll be back tomorrow with more of whatever it is I do. While I'm gone, please read, or re-read, through previous posts to remember me in more humble and amusingly painful times...

* In addition, I always encourage you to visit the blogs of my readers who have them-- MamaNeena, SherE1, Cassey, Mama Dawg, Christy, TerriRainer, Mrs. 4444, Rikki, Mrs. B Roth, and Feisty Charlie. (Let me know if I missed anyone.)

What was my name back then?

I do not exaggerate when I say I actually had a hard time clearly remembering the days before I was a parent, in order to complete yesterday's list.

It's probably because I was in college in those pre-kid days, so everything was in flux for several years before I ran right into marriage and parenting. Sounds kinda sad, but it's probably for the best, both so I don't have years of "glory days as a carefree adult" to miss or to compare my current life to, and because it indicates I'm so used to parenting small children that the bizarre daily events just don't register like they would.

That list could probably be 100 items long if I took more time and really jumped into my Way-Back Machine. Maybe I'll do some followup lists as more things come to me (things like, "I'd miss always having my kids available as an escape hatch from the small-talk express").

Anyway, even before writing the list, I knew that I feel pretty content these days, and I have surprisingly few regrets, which is always nice to realize. Now, if the Lottery Commission would just come through with my check.

The cast of characters

Me: As the nickname indicates, I can be overly precise and dogmatic, but in the interests of full disclosure, this is generally just an effort to amuse myself. I'm in my 20s, and my English degree, coupled with my Herculean drive to deftly conquer every mountain life sets in my way, has of course brought me wealth and fame beyond your wildest dreams.

I say 'your' dreams because I, of course, don't dream. If something begins to occur to me while I sleep, I simply wake up and make another million off it before retiring again to rest in the blackened, dreamless sleep of someone who once again has nothing left to achieve in this world.

I've made and lost just some of my fortunes thus far while working in the high-stakes fields of technical writering, movie-theater-supervisoring, and temporary employmenting. I recently moved into the profession of making those privileged Caucasian-American babies everyone loves so much these days ("this millennium's Beanie Babies!!!"), and I am merely waiting for that investment to mature in spades.

J-: My long-suffering wife and a sainted special education teacher. She has put up with my shenanigans for over 10 years so far (I tricked her into marrying me less than halfway through, before she could realize what she was getting into). When asked how long she plans to continue, she makes that face she makes. You know the one.

D-: My 6-year-old son, who (as an impartial observer) is abnormally intelligent and insightful for his age, which mostly just brings him trouble. Also, we have a very similar sense of humor, which says a lot about both of us, I think. You'll hear enough about him and his sister later that I don't need to go on at length here.

M-: My 3-year-old daughter, who may or may not be part Eskimo, as she spent most of her free time during her first year assigning 70 different meanings to a blood-curdling scream. She has since settled down and began blowing us all away by walking, toilet-ing, and talking like a 5-year-old before age 2. Except when she really wants something she can't have, she is professionally adorable and pleasant.

My Parents: The nicest parents in the world. Seriously. If you think your parents are nice, you may in fact be wrong. J- and I end up spending a lot of time over at their house (my parents' house, that is, not your parents'), like "Everybody Loves Raymond" in reverse.

My Sister: A fun and loving aunt (pronounced "ant"). Just don't call her Aunt, cause that might suggest she's older than her 20s. She's a vegetarian, and generally very Healthy and Active, which can only be a good counterweighting influence on the kids.

I'm sure others will appear, but these are likely to be the most frequently mentioned people.

What to expect

Here it is, the first post of this blog. What you have to look forward to are whatever insights I can stumble upon in regards to my being:

• a father of two in my mid-20s


• a husband and stay-at-home dad


• an astoundingly unproductive freelance writer


• an underachiever


• a lazy obsessive-compulsive


• a bullsh***er extraordinaire

In addition to that, I'll write about whatever else strikes my fancy.

...isn't that just a quaint little phrase?