Make room on the mantel, Vol. 3

Well, since I'm away camping in Minnesota anyway this week, I figured I would take care of a little business that I almost let slip through the cracks of my horribly scattered brain.

Almost two weeks ago now, the delightful and witty Middle-aged woman from Unmitigated was kind enough to present me with an award. This one is called the Kick Ass Blogger award, and it was created by MammaDawg (not to be confused with extremely loyal reader Emily, a.k.a. Mama Dawg*):

The approval of this lady means a lot to me, because between her posts and her comments here and elsewhere, I can tell she would make a formidable opponent in a battle of wits, humorous or otherwise.

And now, I have the honor and duty to pass this award along to five other bloggers of my choosing:

1. The Microblogologist - Sheer chance made her a reader of mine since before almost all of you were born... as fellow readers of mine. She just started her own blog, and she's coming along just fine. Check her out! Or she might send a cloud of deadly germs your way.

2. Chris** a.k.a. Weather Moose - This guy has just the right sense of humor (mine), and as an added bonus, he's a weatherman, so feel free to either complain to him or ask him a million questions. Or both. Sorry, Chris, you asked for it when you decided to become a weatherman.

3. Kori** at See Kori Rant - You may notice a pattern, but here's another person who amuses me and writes with a similar outlook on life. Of course, her life is often much more dramatic and interesting than mine, so it generally makes for much more compelling reading.

4. Rikki at Boogers, Kisses, and Spilled Milk - Here's a lady who knows how to pick and choose stories and quotes for maximum effect, and who does so with an infectious joy and amusement. Also, she includes way more pictures than I do, which I really need to try to do more. You know what they say about pictures, of course, and I've got to cut back on my 1000-word posts.

5. Andrea at The Sweet Life - Andrea seems to be one of those people juggling a million things while making it all look effortless, though the most relevant among the things she juggles is regularly creating polished and interesting blog posts. Check out this one, for example. Another notable skill of hers is letting me win free delicious chocolate.

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For those who haven't already received it, here are the rules for this award:***
• Choose 5 bloggers who you feel are "Kick Ass Bloggers".
• Let them know in your post or via e-mail, Twitter, or blog comments that they've received an award.
• Share the love and link back to both the person who awarded it to you and to www.mammadawg.com.
• Hop on back to the Kick Ass Blogger Club HQ to sign Mr. Linky, and then pass it on!

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* I'm amazed that even when she's not the one giving me an award, Mama Dawg still manages to sneak into the post. That takes skill, ladies and gentlemen.

** In going to grab links to their blogs, I found that these two already received this award. This happened to me last time, too, but given the distribution rate and inherently incestuous nature of these awards, I think it's bound to happen no matter what. Aside from that, I'm lazy, and I already typed all this out, so I'm giving it to them again anyway. So there!

*** For the record, you may have noticed, and you probably would have guessed, that I couldn't resist correcting/editing these rules, but I did so only superficially.

Make room on the mantel, Vol. 2

Well, this came along at just the right time, because since I'll be working all week, I won't be around to squeeze coal into diamonds like usual.* Speaking of diamonds, I have something to casually leave lying around here, waiting for you to ask about it:
Where did I get that ol' thing, you say? Well, since you insist, I've been given another award (this time the Brillante Weblog Award**, pictured above) by the ever-loyal and all-around wonderful Mama Dawg at the always-entertaining Two Dogs Running.

Now I feel exactly the same way as Tom Hanks must have in 1995. Except I didn't get a wicked awesome gift bag worth more than my car. What gives, lady?

I'll attempt to move past this enormous personal slight by posting the rules:

1. Put the logo on your blog.
2. Add a link to the person who awarded it to you.
3. Nominate at least 7 other blogs.
4. Add links to these blogs on your blog.
5. Leave a message for your nominee on their blog.

That being said, I'm nothing if not a rebel, so rather than picking out only 7 of you to receive this award, especially since I don't know who amongst you has previously received it, I'm going to leave it open for the taking to any of the loyal readers on my blogroll*** who haven't gotten it already. If I didn't love your blog, I wouldn't allow you to read mine, so you've all been pre-screened as worthy. Just kidding!


* Please don't laugh at me-- my fragile, tender, harmless, massive ego is very sensitive, and I'd like it to stay that way.

** I wasn't able to track down the originator(s), or I would link to them.

*** If you are a loyal reader who regularly leaves me hilarious comments and I have so far somehow overlooked your addition to my blogroll, I apologize profusely and offer you consolation in the fact that I probably just have you in my feed reader or bookmarked, so I haven't yet realized I need to add you. I swear you'll appear there soon when I correct this mistake!

[Display Case]

I'm sticking this page back in July 2008 just because I can't find a way to create a standalone page using the Blogger editor.

To keep the main page loading faster, I'm collecting the blogging chain awards, badges, and other odds and ends I've received in this display case of sorts. Thanks to all!

Badges? We Don't Need No Stinking Badges!

Chicago Tribune Blogger of the Week, July 11-18

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Not Yet Tough Enough For A Street Gang

• Chicago Tribune - Chicago's Best Blogs

• BlogCatalog

• ChicagoBloggers

• BlogHer

• Mom Blog Network

• View my profile on NaBloPoMo

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I'm No Mere "Participant"

Received from Mama Dawg
Received from Mama Dawg

Received from Middle-Aged Woman

Received from TerriRainer and from Mrs. B. Roth

Received from blissfully caffeinated
Received from The Microblogologist

Received from Middle-Aged Woman

Received from Midlife Mama

Received from Swirl Girl
Received from Dawn at What's Around the Next Bend?

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Field trip over, back to keeping an eye on the homeless

Don't mind me, children, I'll just be taking it easy here today*, cleaning up the mess you've left behind. You know, like no one pays me to do. I also throw in the passive aggression pro bono, so you know, but don't let that stop you from making a voluntary donation to our educational fund.

Anyway, I hope you all learned something from your trip here, besides that the bold mixture of dust, formaldehyde, and tanned leather create an odor so distinct that just a few minutes' exposure trains you to instinctively hold your breath whenever you pass between granite columns during the rest of your life.

I expect you all to write a 1000-word essay on the subject of What You Learned Here Yesterday About Me and the History of Hilarity in America, Which Dates Back to my Glorious Exodus From the Stork's Bindle.

What's that? Your teacher doesn't want to have to grade them, much less even read them? How about just an amusing comment then?


* Actually, I really am taking it easy-- I'm preposting this, thus bending time and space for the sake of this week's free movie, Horton Hears a Who, and then we have various errands and such to run. Oh wait, I mean Something Witty and/or Information Worth Wasting Your Time With.

Museum of Natural Hilarity

Hello and welcome, visitors from Camp Candid Carrie's latest field trip-- thanks for coming by! My name is LiteralDan, and I'll be showing you around today.
I see that most of you have brought bag lunches, and I want to assure you that I do not hold this against you whatsoever. There is no chance at all that the museum will have to close due to budget shortfalls and rising expenses for the cafeteria, where we provide high-quality, delicious meals at affordable prices. We've arranged a nice little picnic area for you all away from our pesky paying lunchers out near our beautiful, brand-new Dumpsters.

Before we move on to our tour, I think you should know a few important things:
1. Under no circumstances do I appreciate sarcasm.
2. I do not particularly like children, so please refrain from behaving as such during your time in our esteemed facility.
3. Forbidden topics for questions include the infamous Three Foulest Subjects in the World: feces, violence, and pirates.

Now that we've got that out of the way, follow me to our major exhibits on Human Behavior, Art, Hygiene, Masculinity, Computers, and Insectophobia. As we go, please notice our list of Departments to the right, as well as our Blogroll of partner museums of equal educational value.

And of course, we wouldn't be a respectable non-profit educational organization if we didn't encourage you all to visit our gift shop!


Editor's Note: As one or two of you may have guessed, that picture is not actually of me, but rather a common garden gnome.* I'm sorry for toying with you like that.

* In case the sight of this gnome got you all excited to discuss your favorite imaginary creatures, I will do my best to point you towards some other classic mythological figures covered here: leprechauns, Cinderella, dentists, Super Mario, stay-at-home dads, and zombies.

Six more weeks of posting

Hello? Is anybody there? Can I open my eyes? Is it safe?

No, your tenuous grip on sanity is not slipping-- I didn't post yesterday. And, might I add, I'm happy to see that the world as we know it still seems to exist. That means I can hold off sending out those tote bags for the foreseeable future.

I know that my daily posting is a subject probably only worthy of comment in my own mind, but I've let myself become obsessed because I'm trying to use it to help build my writing habits, and I'm wary of slippery slopes and the power of temptation and all that. That being said, I'm going to try not posting this weekend, to recharge my batteries after a long week (possibly helped by a free Slurpee today).

Hopefully then I'll be back with daily posts of some sort, at least, as I try to work out some kind of schedule that allows me to focus and produce higher-quality material interspersed with conversation posts and other such amusing trifles.

I just know that if I was to start regularly holding off posting each "good" post for a day, and spend more time editing and crafting it, I'd be likely to start deciding that each one needed another day* to be really good, and I would then either take an extra day (or two) to make each one better or, more likely, put off doing anything with it in favor of whatever else in the world came up that was not what I had planned to do. You know how many mostly-written posts I have cropped up in my Drafts folder that I can't stand the sight of because they feel like a chore? A lot.** But I need to overcome my reluctance and weak stomach to get to rereading and revising things more, or I'll never get any better.

So in the meantime, I ask you all to read my posts with a grain of salt, however that works physically, and see through the extra crud and tangents for what the end product would be if I took more time and if I read through them more than once. You'll find the quality of this blog rocketing up immediately with that filter applied, I hope (depends on how vivid your imagination is).

While you're at it, add a liberal dose of deliciously snobby literary allusions and deep metaphysical insight, leaving me something just short of a typical Black Hockey Jesus post at The Wind In Your Vagina. Yes, I suppose that is what I now aspire to-- silver medals are just as nice.

Or at least that's what my mom always told me.


* Read: the portion of the day I get to spend doing such things.
** See, I'm so drained I don't even have a trademark witty*** exaggeration.
*** Witty as defined by me, while in the Love zone of my love-hate relationship with my self.

Editor's Note: Until I actually receive a silver medal, I'll have to console myself with this very latest surprising recognition.

It must be award season...

We'll take a pause this Sunday to take care of an important piece of business. I was lucky enough to receive an award from Emily at Two Dogs Running the other day:
This wonderful lady has been a loyal reader for a long time now, regularly providing quality comments, but more importantly, she can be relied on for a wide variety of amusing posts at her blog, particularly this nice tribute/advertisement for my blog last month (amusing because it's all so untrue yet so draining to my bribery fund). Naturally, I can't say enough to praise her, and because of that fact, I'll keep it simple and just stop here. After all, they've started up the orchestra and they're about to cut the mike.

The rules for this award, shown below, stipulate that I am to pass it on to five worthy bloggers, so without further ado, I present it to the following people:

1. Mrs. B Roth at It is I, Mrs. B. Roth - We're seemingly very different people, and yet I find myself agreeing with her on most things most of the time-- that's always a nice feeling. She points out on her sidebar that We're all alone in this together, and I think that mindset applies to so many areas of life that it's the only one us sane people should focus on promoting.

2. Christina at MamaNeena - She's got an even bigger handful to handle than me, but she still holds it all together way better, including blogging every day. Whether it's hilarious pictures the like of which I wish I was fast enough to catch, or hard-to-believe stories that might have very well come from my own house, her blog is a reliable source of entertainment for me.

3. Kevin at Always Home and Uncool - This guy reminds me a lot of myself, which should tell you enough that I don't need to go on too much more. We all know how much I love myself, after all. And if you didn't love me almost that much, you wouldn't be here reading, right? Right??

4. Christy at Heavy on the Caffeine - Her dedication to practicing the craft of writing while managing everything else life throws at her helps keep me doing the same. Also, her public admission to doing very little housework most days helps reassure me that I'm not alone on that front.

5. Natalie at Tell Me About It - She provides a handy window into a very different world for me, as she (born and raised in the US) and her family have lived in Turkey for six years. Her blog is like a funny travelogue of the kind of day-to-day places and things I always appreciate so much more than the big Standard Tourist Attractions.

Check out all five of these bloggers and their blogs, and you won't be sorry you did!

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For the winners, here are the rules for this award:

1. Pick five blogs you consider deserving of this award, whether for creativity, design, interesting material, or contributions to the blogging community, no matter what language.
2. Name each nominee and link to his/her blog.
3. Show the award and include the name (and link to his/her blog) of whoever presented you with this award.
4. Link to the Arte y Pico blog so everyone knows the origin of this award.
5. Post these rules.

If you already have this award, you only have to accept this additional recognition.

Just a cage of rib bones

In my ongoing efforts to win a Daytime Emmy award, I am hereby converting what started out as a simple post about my quirky love for a food conveyance into my shot at a treatment for a Lifetime Original Movie.

Towards that end, I have provided a suggested soundtrack by the inimitable Ingrid Michaelson, which seems to currently be required for all such entertainment (with good reason):

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[Background music: The Way I Am]

When I went to load a bowl into our dishwasher the other day, I was struck with the memory that I'd broken the matching bowl a month or so ago, so I didn't have to leave a spot for that one right next to the other (I have a tried-and-true arrangement for loading our dishwasher). I love these bowls, because their nearly ideal shape and the fact that they're ceramic makes them the most versatile dishes we have.

I say "them" because we started out with four, but as we are now down to one, I suppose I should get used to saying "it" instead. Forget about those other two that were broken long ago, though, because we've only had two for a long time, and that makes the loss (or murder) of one that much more poignant.

[Background music: Breakable]

I'll pause for a moment to allow you to wipe away your tears, because if you're like me, this all seems exactly as tragic as someone setting a place at the table for the recently deceased before realizing there's no longer a need for it, and then finding themselves unable to take the place setting away because it seems so final and cruel. The only real difference is that in my story, the protagonist is the place setting itself.

On that note, I felt a little sorry for the bowl, and then I felt a bit guilty for robbing it of its life partner. They nested so perfectly together, quiet and content in that cozy cabinet, except when one or both of them went out to work or on vacation to the counter by the sink. Absence always made its heart grow fonder, so now it can grow fonder forevermore. At the same time, I have to think that it is now left to live in terror of the day when one of us drops it a little too hard or loves it a little too much, a la Lennie from Of Mice and Men.

For the icing on this maudlin cake, I had broken the dearly departed bowl by dropping it just a few inches onto the dishwasher rack, of all places, and this surviving bowl had to sit there watching in horror. And every time I put it back into that cursed place, it has to relive that awful moment. I believe the cause of death was that the victim had been brittle from a case of thermal shock, but that's all in the past and there's no sense in torturing myself any more than I already have.

So as this Last Bowl Standing now lay in that same dishwasher rack where its lover met its end, waiting for the ax to fall while facedown and trembling in fear, wracked with regret, horrible flashbacks, and post-traumatic stress, it became clear that these bowls are subject to the same whimsies of fate as the rest of us.

[Background music: Keep Breathing]

What makes them so special then, you ask? Nothing much, I guess. I just like the way they hold my cereal up like a gift each morning, making a healthy amount seem like the excessive quantity I might otherwise pour. Plus, they fit so nicely in our little dishwasher. (Sorry... too soon? They/it really do/does, though.)

So this bowl, just like those before it and every one to follow, is not much more special than any others, and it has little choice but to do whatever it is it does while it can, because it can never know which day will be its last.

Aaaaaaaand scene.


Footnotes:

• If need be, we can add a little coda about the last bowl moving in with one of the other set of bowls we have.

• That leaves open a sequel about the two renegades bucking the conventions of the society in our cabinet, and making their own way towards being happy again in the short time they have, and so on.

• The widowed bowl must be voiced by Valerie Bertinelli, or there's no deal, and I believe Dennis Haysbert was born to play the broken bowl. Suggestions for the widow's possible love interest include Vin Diesel or Pierce Brosnan.

"You like me, you really like me!"

Well, the long national nightmare is over. We finally have winners in all categories at The Best of Blogs, and I am fortunate enough to have come out on top as having the Best Daddy Blog as determined by a very unscientific voting pool.

I don't think I need to say too much more beyond expressing my genuine gratitude in the sticky post above*, without sounding more annoyingly redundant than usual.

I'll move on now instead to more important matters: if you're looking for worthy additions to your blog list, please consider the other nominees in this category, several of which I now read regularly:

• African-American Dad
• The Life of a Father of Five
• Daddy’s Little Tax Credits
• The King of Clubs
• AtHomeDaddy
• Stuff In My Brain
• Dad's House
• Baby Daddy
• DIY Father

And don't forget to also check out the blog of the coordinator of The Best of Blogs-- The Adventures of Charlie Blockhead. That guy has a lot on his plate even aside from running this contest, but he pulled it off in style.


* Edited to add the text of the announcement from June 3:

Breaking news: Thanks to all of your collective dedication, LiteralDan has won the Best Daddy Blog award at the Best of Blogs. So you may stop voting now, my legion of a couple dozen or so minions.

While the voting may be over, my implied but not guaranteed exchange of a FREE TOTE BAG for a blood oath to join my unholy army and patiently await the day I command you to take up arms in my name is still very much on the table!

Seriously though, I want to thank you all once again, and I urge you to check out my fellow nominees, listed and linked in this post. [Referring of course to this post, which you've just read]

Developments at our house, Vol. 7

Here are yet more developments at our house in recent days:

1. M- discovered that sweaty little baby feet can do double-duty as handy tools for recovering food dropped on the floor. As a bonus, you save time and money by never having to refill your salt shaker!

2. I'm thinking I'll have to update my (joking, of course) lists of reasons why D- may or may not be homosexual, given how consistently he has been picking either Princess Peach or Baby Princess Peach the handful of times I've let him play MarioKart Wii.

3. M- tried to inspire a new Conversation with M- by, once every day for a week, climbing up on my lap and then shouting "Ear!" before trying to stick something in my ear, such as a car, a toy phone antenna, and (on several occasions) the aglet from a bear's shoelace. At least she gave me some warning so I could dodge them, which is a lesson she apparently learned from when she ambushed me and my eye later on.

4. J- and I have decided what to spend our stimulus payment on-- gas for the car and food for our children! I can't wait till the installation guys deliver that stuff and plug it in! Woo!!

5. M- found that rather than silence the cries for breakfast (which take the place of greetings) that threaten to wake D- early every morning, Daddy sticking a goldfish cracker in her mouth before quickly carrying her out of the room merely allows her to reach a new tonal range on "hunnnnnngreeeeeeee!"

6. Continuing #5, I've learned that I need to stuff at least three Goldfish crackers in M-'s mouth when I get her in the morning, to make her believe she will be fed right away just like she is every single day. Even if she doesn't believe it, I suppose, she may at least find it more difficult to speak in this state.

That, or I may just end up with a couple of damp Goldfish stuck to my face.

7. I have decided that the world can ignore its meteorologists when trying to decide what the weather will be like on a given day, and instead rely solely on whether I am wearing pants vs. shorts and/or have a jacket or umbrella with me to tell them what the weather will not be like. It's been a logic-defying couple of weeks for this effect.

8. D- spelled the word "Bee" all by himself, which brings his total spelling count to about 10-- I told him how proud I am of him, but I kept to myself that the logical next step for the near future is for him to become Professor of English Language History at Oxford. He'll discover that by himself When He's Five (the glorified time in which almost all things will happen).

9. I've been absolutely overwhelmed by your response to my nomination for Best Daddy Blog-- you guys are awesome! I owe you all big time. Just let me know when you want to collect. One caveat: I don't do windows.

10. I'm exceedingly proud of myself for defying my OCD demons and leaving this list at 9 items instead of rounding it out to ten... dammit!

Support your local blogger!

I just wanted to call time out to shamelessly take care of a little business:

I realized that those of you receiving my posts via e-mail or feed won't see that I've put up an announcement on the blog itself about my nomination for Best Daddy Blog at the Best of Blogs site. Vote for me today and tell all your friends to do the same, or so help me, I will begin tickling this baby, and I may even eat her tummy-- I'm just crazy enough to do it!

It's the second-best way you can support this blog, to keep the rambling stories and parenthetical statements coming!

As long as I'm shaking you down for votes and clicks, I'll also mention that I recently signed up at a fun site called Humor-blogs.com, a pretty self-explanatory index of funny blogs that are peer-reviewed and rated as well as ranked by the amount of traffic they drive to Humor-blogs.com from their site. So any time you're in a mood to peruse some other attempted-humor-based blogs similar to but better than this one, please do click through to that site. Even once this post gets buried, you can still find the link in my Of Interest to Me and Membership lists to the right.*

Okay, now I need to go take a shower to remove the stench of desperate self-promotion, along with that of baby pee. Though when you think about it, the shower is probably the worst place at our house to hide from pee. Nevertheless, I shall endure, and I'll be back tomorrow with more of whatever it is I do. While I'm gone, please read, or re-read, through previous posts to remember me in more humble and amusingly painful times...

* In addition, I always encourage you to visit the blogs of my readers who have them-- MamaNeena, SherE1, Cassey, Mama Dawg, Christy, TerriRainer, Mrs. 4444, Rikki, Mrs. B Roth, and Feisty Charlie. (Let me know if I missed anyone.)