Classic quotes, Vol. 28

It's been a surprisingly long time, but at long last, here are some quotes I've collected in the past few months from my 4-year-old daughter M-, 6-year-old son D-, 2-month-old son E-, and wife J-:

M- (calling down from upstairs while supposedly getting ready for bed, in an overly dramatic announcer's voice): I have a feeling! [...] I have a feeling... of monsters?

D- (matter-of-factly to M-, as she returned from informing me that she's "pretty sure [she] heard a mouse", because she "heard footsteps somewhere but they weren't Mom's"): So, what did he say about all this mouse business?

M- (sassily, when called out for playing in her room instead of cleaning): I was folding a shirt. ...Is that called 'playing'?

J- (reluctantly, referring to her then-overly-pregnant state): Alright... while I'm dressed and looking relatively decent, you should probably take my picture.

M- (in the tattletale voice): D- is pretending to haaaaaaarm meeee!

E- (while smiling): Ah gugrggggg!*

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* Trust me, this is much, much cuter in person.

Important Question: How does she fit all that clutter in just one bag?

This thought occurred to me recently, and I decided it was a fair question to pose to all of you, or at least those of you who read blogs on weekends and who are also in the habit of commenting.

So I suppose this Important Question is directed at you three, then:

Do you remember how old you were when you discovered there is no housekeeping fairy?

That's right-- what tender, innocent age were you when you coldly realized that the person who was sneaking around cleaning up when no one else was looking was actually... you?

Things printed on bibs to keep parents from abandoning babies

Here's a list of catchy infant bib slogans strategically engineered by the baby apparel industry to help defend against the distinctly anti-social habits of its primary customer base,* the world's cutest self-absorbed douches.

Sometimes (say, around 3:30 in the morning on Day 42), a simple "I Love My Mommy" just doesn't cut it.**

1. Pretty Soon, Everything You Do And Say Will Be Unbelievably Hilarious To Me

2. Daddy's Little Wingman

3. Sometimes I Smile By Accident!

4. Chubby Cheeks! Chubby Cheeks!!

5. One Day, I Will Choose Your Retirement Home

6. Yes, I Really Do Say "Goo" Sometimes

7. I Am Powerless To Resist Your Efforts To Make Me Talk, Gesture, And Dance For Your Own Amusement

8. Daddy's Little Tax Break

9. Don't Forget, You Can Start Lacing My Nighttime Bottles With Rice Cereal As Soon As The Doctor Only Rolls Her Eyes At The Idea Instead Of Threatening To Report You To The Authorities

10. Have You Checked How Tiny My Toes Are, Lately?

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* They also service dolls and extremely tiny adults.

** This list might more accurately be titled, "Things printed on bibs to keep parents from leaving their babies to fend for themselves in the backyard each night from 11pm to 7am".

One-item lists, Vol. 3

Most inconvenient things about my wife getting a Caesarean section
1. I wasn't allowed to make her laugh for several weeks. I really have no idea how else to interact with her.

Reasons I don't want my wife using my side of the bed as a storage area when I'm not there
1. Because I get to find in it lovely treasures like, say, the shriveled stump of an infant's umbilical cord lying next to the used tissue in which it was allegedly once loosely contained.*

The kinds of ways I count my blessings
1. The snow didn't blow around and drift waist-high like usual during a recent windstorm here... thanks to the preceding hours of heavy rain freezing everything solid.

Proof that "ladylike" tendencies don't kick in until after age 6
1. (Female classmate of my son's, apropos of nothing in the hallway one morning during a schoolwide Norovirus epidemic): Destiny, I wasn't in school yesterday! ...Yeah, I pooped in the car, so...

How I can tell my daughter may be the ultimate Anti-Vegetarian
1. Nothing has changed since I posted this. My 4-year-old daughter M- recently smiled between mouthfuls of ham roll-ups and said, "Since I watched Babe today, I was in the mood for ham! ...Because pigs make ham."

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* And let me tell you, the only thing more shocking than finding such an item is realizing that you were able to identify it, completely out of context, in under 10 seconds.

A conversation between M- and D-: Sometimes love just ain't enough

Here's a quick little exchange that pretty well sums up our days at this stage, with my son D- six and my daughter M- now 4.

Me (sick as ever of the nearly non-stop bickering, which apparently I may miss someday): I thought I told you two to go to separate rooms?!

D-: She keeps following me!!

M- (the world's newest queen of drama... bow before her): That's because I love you! I follow you because I love you! (to me, desperately) I follow D- because I love him!!

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You may enjoy my previous (4YO daughter) M- conversations, (6YO son) D- conversations, and (wife) J- conversations.

A conversation with D- and M-: The forbidden fruit

What better and more appropriate way to start out the year --after having closed out last year with a brand-new baby-- than with this recent conversation with my 6-year-old son D- and my then-3-year-old daughter M-?

D- (reading a joke from somewhere): What kind of fruit do ghosts like to eat?

Me: I don't know, what?

D-: Boo... (switching to spelling mode) B-O-O-B-E-...

M- (jumping in, proud to show off her impressive "reading" skills yet again): Boobies!!

D- (shocked, confused, sure this must somehow be a dirty joke he accidentally read, but slightly amused): Heh-heh.

Me (obviously now relating a much-less-funny joke): Boo-berries. ...Not boobies... It's "BOO-berries", because pretend ghosts* say, "Boo!", right? ...Boo-berries.

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* Must always be on guard-- no, ghosts aren't real, go to sleep!

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You may enjoy my previous M- conversations, D- conversations, and J- conversations.

The ultimate stocking stuffer

Look what I found in my stocking this year:
A two-day-old baby? It's another Festivus miracle!

Editor's Note: He's very tiny.

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Alright, fine, I can provide more information... we'll call him E-; he was born 6lbs, 5oz, and 19in long. Here we go again!

A conversation with D- and M-: Santa awards half points for honesty

This is a conversation my wife recently had with my 3-year-old daughter M- and 6-year-old son D-. M- only touched on the tip of the iceberg, and D- is learning the benefits of spin in public relations:

D- (sweet as sugar and twice as pure): Mom, how many more days until Christmas?

J- (as innocently as he wishes he was): Why?

D-: 'Cause then we get presents!

J-: Oh, yeah, right. Well, 19 days, bud.

M- (helpfully chiming in): D-, we'd better start being good, 'cause I really want presents!

D- (nodding): We have been good...

M- (shaking her head in disbelief): No, no, we haven't!! Remember I drew on you with a marker today??!

I wish you all the best of luck in restraining your own baser natures just long enough to trick Santa into giving you everything you want, but little that you need!

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You may enjoy my previous M- conversations, D- conversations, and J- conversations.

Things that amuse me, Vol. 6

Given the amount of time that passes between posts, and the relative shallowness of those posts over the past year or more, you'd think I'd have more items for this list, but let's pretend I've spent weeks culling these priceless gems from a much more expansive list of nearly-as-high-quality material:

1.While trying to work my legs through some soreness one day, I tried to remember what over-the-top physical activity I'd engaged in the previous day that would have caused such a hearty ache, and then I remembered the sudden, severe, prolonged, multi-muscle leg cramps that assaulted me while sitting too long at the computer armed only with salty snacks and an empty water glass.*

2. Halloween is the opening "fuck you" from the universe to people really seriously beginning to think again about maybe starting to build mildly more healthy habits during the last quarter of the year.

3. You'd think that time served in pregnancy would enlighten women as to the daily struggles of men with freakishly large pot bellies, who aren't blessed with the comforting knowledge that without any planning or effort on their part, that belly will quickly and easily evacuate itself in under a year. Who ties their shoes, gives up seats, or just smiles warmly as they reach for a second family-sized ice cream sundae "for the baby"?

4. Not unlike heroin on a street corner, bacon and cinnamon roll samples at Costco sell themselves.

5. For good reason, people who know what they're doing when remodeling houses make firm plans and schedules (and order all materials) in advance of beginning the project. Actually, this isn't so much an "Amusing Thing" as a "Deep, Deep Regret and Bit of Hard-Earned Understanding".

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* Technically, cramps exceeding 10 seconds count as physical activity.

Amusing searches, Vol. 12

Here are more of the most amusing searches that brought people here recently, this time all dealing with parenting concerns.

(All search strings are reprinted exactly as they were entered, and the search text links to the post at which the visitor arrived.)

• 10 yr old daughter likes to be naked (Toledo, OH) - You're in for a long couple of years, my friend. Good luck.

• I keep losing my patience with my 3 year old (Milton, Ontario) - That's because they're infuriating little bastards, just like you were when you were three. It's a charming part of our core to which we all return whenever we're feeling cranky, even in our golden years. You'll have your revenge!

• baby onesies that say my daddy is an obsessive bastard (Bradford, PA) - Hey... that hurts.

• help for the stay at home dad with the ungrateful wife (Palm Desert, CA) - I only wish I had some way of helping you, sir, but I've never been able to solve this particular problem for myself. Don't worry, though (face held dramatically in hand) I'll get along, somehow...

• I am at home and not busy (Kerava, Finland) - I am quite jealous and borderline homicidal.

• personal hygiene for kids (New Delhi, India) - I think it says it all that when you searched this term, it took you to a post about orangutans.