22 July 2008

Museum of Natural Hilarity

Hello and welcome, visitors from Camp Candid Carrie's latest field trip-- thanks for coming by! My name is LiteralDan, and I'll be showing you around today.
And it was written: a gnome will show us the way... to the bathroom.I see that most of you have brought bag lunches, and I want to assure you that I do not hold this against you whatsoever. There is no chance at all that the museum will have to close due to budget shortfalls and rising expenses for the cafeteria, where we provide high-quality, delicious meals at affordable prices. We've arranged a nice little picnic area for you all away from our pesky paying lunchers out near our beautiful, brand-new Dumpsters.

Before we move on to our tour, I think you should know a few important things:
1. Under no circumstances do I appreciate sarcasm.
2. I do not particularly like children, so please refrain from behaving as such during your time in our esteemed facility.
3. Forbidden topics for questions include the infamous Three Foulest Subjects in the World: feces, violence, and pirates.

Now that we've got that out of the way, follow me to our major exhibits on Human Behavior, Art, Hygiene, Masculinity, Computers, and Insectophobia. As we go, please notice our list of Departments to the right, as well as our Blogroll of partner museums of equal educational value.

And of course, we wouldn't be a respectable non-profit educational organization if we didn't encourage you all to visit our gift shop!

Editor's Note: As one or two of you may have guessed, that picture is not actually of me, but rather a common garden gnome.* I'm sorry for toying with you like that.

* In case the sight of this gnome got you all excited to discuss your favorite imaginary creatures, I will do my best to point you towards some other classic mythological figures covered here: leprechauns, Cinderella, dentists, Super Mario, stay-at-home dads, and zombies.


Candid Carrie said...

Nice job, Dan. I am very impressed you were able to find a gnome that looks so much like you. You know, like kind of old but with smooth skin. Have fun today! And I hope you remember to increase hour blog owner's insurance.

Kevin McKeever said...

don't you point the curled up toes at me. i know what you're thinking.

Brittany said...

So, I always enjoy your blog, and today was particularly humorous, as I have a soft spot for garden gnomes. I was just thinking, hmmm...I think I am going to link to him, when I saw to the bottom right you link to Jim Gaffigan, and that's it, you are awesome. He is my favorite comedian of all time, I have seen him live 6 times, twice 9 months pregnant, and went into labor with 24 hours both times.

unmitigated me said...

Ahhh, I love to visit the Museums of Chicago. And I know, LiteralDan, that you are an uncommon garden gnome.

Unknown said...

Great tour of the museum. Although I do not have time to visit all of the exhibits I do plan on returning frequently to check out the ones that have missed.

Kori said...

Great tour; love your self portrait as well. Sad I am not on your blogroll. :)

Mama Dawg said...

I love this museum. I've been coming here for a long time.

Hey, where can I get an Annual Pass?

Swirl Girl said...

Whew! I thought I clicked onto the Ye Olde Garden Shoppe instead of your literal dan-ness.

Sorry for the sarcasm, it's too early to drink here...

LiteralDan said...

Candid Carrie: Oh I doubled my insurance just last night, but what I'm most worried about is all the minor damage under my deductible. Ahhh, the many unforeseen problems of blogownership.

Always Home and Uncool: Hey, I'll do what I want, buddy. Just watch I don't use my unspecified magical powers against you.

Brittany: So, what you're saying is that the sight of Jim Gaffigan forces your womb to evacuate any current residents to make room for Mr. Gaffigan's love child? Or at least a bunch of spare Hot Pockets?

Just picture Jim Gaffigan and Christian Bale fighting to the near-death over the right to present you with a garden gnome and some fresh corn on the cob.

You're welcome.

Middle Aged woman: I'm an uncommon everything, for better or worse.

Mekhismom: Oh I didn't think anyone would have time to see all the sights, so I figured I would present you all with an array of options to choose from. If you get through everything I linked to in this post, you are a champion of blog-reading, my friend.

Kori: Hey, if you want to see my self-portrait, that's over here.

I'm a horrible blog friend, I know. My blogroll has glaring omissions, since I've had a lot of people coming over here all at once in the past month or so. I haven't even begun to catch up, but I added yours now. Anybody else out there I've forgotten?

Mama Dawg: Annual passes can be issued upon receipt of the $180 membership fee. Annual membership grants you complete access to hundreds of posts and thousands of witty remarks. Plus, upon Armageddon, you may receive a magical tote bag filled with tools to help you survive the madness as my loyal minion.

In your case, you'd be put down for two tote bags. I'll be waiting for the check!

Swirl Girl: Sorry for the confusion. In the interests of fairness to the good folks at Ye Olde Garden Shoppe, I'll provide a link right here.

It's never to early to drink, and it's always inappropriate to apologize for sarcasm.

Anonymous said...

Love it here!

LiteralDan said...

(Note: In case anyone was confused by the mention of corn on the cob in my response to Brittany's comment above, here's the link I should have included: Paula Dean's Porn on the Cob. Also, for good measure, here's a funny story she wrote about peeing in a cornfield.)

Anonymous said...

I like this trip. You've worked in gratitude, pirates and poo all in one post.

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

You are so cracking me up.

Chris M. said...

How is it I always manage to come at a time when Carrie's crowds are somewhere? Not that I'm not a part of Carrie's crowd. Aw, nevermind.

I read your site daily. Keep up the funny.

I'll keep up the stupid.

Weather Moose

Brittany said...

I am SO glad I revisited this post, because you have officially crossed over into BFF mode. Yes, Literal Dan, you are my best friend...forever! Not everyone gets that extra "F" for forever...so...it's kinda big deal.

Leslie said...

Me, Dan, me. You forgot ME. And I even made you part of my subdivision.


LiteralDan said...

christie: Glad you stopped by, and gladder you enjoyed your time!

LiteralDan: Damn, you are a witty, handsome devil. And as Forrest Gump would say, that's all I have to say about that.

Mary:I'm always gracious that pirates and poo go so well together.

Jenny, the Bloggess: You honor me with your presence, madame. I'm glad to have cracked you up-- let me know if you need help putting yourself back together, and I can have one of the ushers help you out.

Chris: I think you're just one of those guys who always gets to the party right as it's ending. Nothing to do with you except bad timing. And possibly B.O. Sorry, man.

Hey, stupid=funny almost as much as pain=funny. It's the secret to my moderate success!

Brittany: Excellent! I made it! I'm always getting the extra F, but that's usually a bad thing.

Laggin: Oh my gosh! You see what I mean? I mean it when I say, let me know if I've forgotten you, because I'm just scatterbrained.

I added you now, and please avail yourself of my only slightly used handkerchief as needed.

TerriRainer said...

You forgot the eye patch on that gnome!

:) Terri

Seriously Brenda said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog. I took your advice and decided not to clean out the babies closet and just enjoy the peace and quiet and frozen sangria. Cheers to you!

Seriously Brenda said...

Ummm, yeah. baby's not babies. Maybe I should have stayed away from the Sangria...

Dixon said...

Well, it is always nice to visit someone and get the grand tour. Thank you it made me feel so welcomed and curious.

Candid Carrie said...

Dan, I found two of your old posts laying in the hallway. I am guessing someone tried to smuggle them out. And did you know that some of the grammar rules change and you CAN end a sentence with a preposition and you CAN start a sentence with and.

Gosh, LD, you make me want to be a better grammarer. And thank you for that. I have more of a sense of panic writing over here than I do rambling on for days at my place.

LiteralDan said...

TerriRainer: I'm not sure if you've seen The Matrix or how familiar with it you are if you have, but that gnome is based on my "residual self image" from before the (very real) devastating attack that left me (not very really) blind in one eye.

I picture myself being something of the Snake Plissken type of eyepatch wearer, by the way, in case anyone is planning to surprise me with a screenplay based on what you know of my life.

Seriously Mama: Hey, I promise I'll always be there to push people down slippery slopes. Glad you and the sangria enjoyed the beginning of the end of your clean house!

Dixon: Glad you came around for the tour, and hope you enjoyed it!

Candid Carrie: I thank you for your vigilance... awww, man-- there's a bunch of words all smudged, and some are missing! Hey, actually, this isn't half bad... it reads a little better. No hard feelings.

I love starting sentences with conjunctions, and I freely end sentences with prepositions (when appropriate, or when writing casually). And for bringing that up, you get my Grammarer of the Day award that I just made up. So now you can relax!