05 June 2008

The one-eyed monster

For those of you who are new, who may have missed the earlier posts, or who just want to amuse themselves again at my expense should read my accounts of my 1-year-old daughter's attempt to blind me before continuing with this post.

Having had some time to think this all over, aided by TerriRainer's continuously referring to me as One-Eyed Dan for the past several weeks, and after becoming sick of seeing the old Draft post I had filled with unused one-liners and other tidbits from those two posts, I've decided to close the book on this traumatizing chapter of my life in one explosion of randomness.

I have come to believe that this assault was not an accident but rather a well-disguised act of revenge for my not having a bottomless supply of Goldfish crackers, about which M- had protested and threatened about a week before the attack. See me ignorantly passing along her blatant warning at the end of this post of quotes from our house.

Further supporting this theory is the fact that the assailant may be starting to feel her Sicilian blood. She comes from a people with a documented history of serving their revenge as cold as gelato, with all-natural marinara, shall we say.* Due to my side of the family, she also comes from a people known for drunken brawling, but guess which is the bigger threat in the long run?

In my time spent pondering the implications of all this, I've decided that I should probably wear an eyepatch over my remaining eye as a preventative measure. And actually, for the sake of the continuing recovery of my tender injured eye, I think I'll just go all-out and wear two.

Another quandary is that, as the world's newest Cyclops, would my arch-nemesis be Odysseus or Magneto? Or both? "Damn you, you sheep-stealing evil mutant mastermind!!" Nah.

I think that choice is decided by the fact that Odysseus has long since passed over the River Styx**-- I'm forced to go with Magneto. This means that from now on, I'll officially be lying in wait for the chance to sucker punch Sir Ian McKellan right in the throat.

Until that blessed day, however, I'll have to continue running through wistful montages in my head-- things I've seen with two eyes; my unblemished face while looking at stuff; me laughing at something undetermined with two good eyes (montages always include laughing scenes); me staring blankly at a computer for much of the day, blinking occasionally without an eye-injury-related care in the world; and so on.

The caption for all these montages would boil down to something like this (be sure to use your happy memory voice): "Remember all those times I looked at stuff and was able to more accurately judge its approximate distance from my face by using the impressions from more than one eye to create a composite image with reliable scale in proportion to said distance? Those were good times."

I was a fool to not see that back then. I was also a fool to not see the frisbee D- threw at my face the other day.

* That sounds disgusting, and yet it makes me hungry nonetheless.
** Domo ari-ga-to, Mis-ter Ro-bot-o.***
*** You're welcome. Now go enjoy the rest of your day irritating people with the awe-inspiring genius of Mr. Dennis DeYoung.

Editor's Note: Notice that I went through this whole post of tidbits without once mentioning pirates. It's just too obvious, and you know how I hate obvious humor.

Copy Editor's Note: Editor's Notes don't count as part of a post.


Mama Dawg said...

Does mentioning pirates in your labels count? Cause if so, then you're busted. If not, then I think I just slipped down a notch on the ladder...once again.

My favorite part is that this whole post was just the long version of telling us that you missed the frisbee.

I think you were trying to sneak that part in and hoping your loyal readers don't actually "read" the whole post.

Well, we do.

Candid Carrie said...

I am new here and I read the entire post as I savor each word with my two good eyes.

I thought about you today, Literal Dan, and I wasn't at my computer. I told my kids to get all the towels because I wanted to laundry. They, literally, brought me all the towels ... from the linen closet, from the pool, from the bathroom that is just for company and all I could do was laugh at say In My Head, "I've got to tell Literal Dan."

Mama Dawg said...

Oh, my. That was funny, Carrie.

SherE1 said...

I love how Mama Dawg called you out on missing that frisbee. Some readers might have missed that detail, having been distracted by the idea of you wearing an eye patch on both eyes. I'm still picturing it and it's HILARIOUS!

Anonymous said...

Goldfish cracker deprivation can turn kids into maniacs. Don't let it happen again, for the sake of us all!

Mama Dawg said...

Yay! Shere's got my back!

MsPicketToYou said...

but i likes pirates. also from now on: only foamy frisbees for you.

Kori said...

The caption for all these montages would boil down to something like this (be sure to use your happy memory voice): "Remember all those times I looked at stuff and was able to more accurately judge its approximate distance from my face by using the impressions from more than one eye to create a composite image with reliable scale in proportion to said distance? Those were good times."

And that is my favorite part of this post; it was all good, but I swear I could HEAR that voice in my head. Love it.

Anonymous said...

I love you, Dan :) You are a brilliant writer. I especially like the instruction to use the proper "voice" when reading; that was beautiful. Thanks for the LOL.

Jon said...

Hey Dan. Noticed my blog in your roll. I'm just getting this stuff figured out but I'll return the favor when I get around to blogrolling. Thanks for reading. BHJ

Laski said...

Oh wow! Kori was right . . . oh so funny and a great writer!

Must go read other posts . . .

LiteralDan said...

Mama Dawg: No, no it does not-- that's meta information, and that incorporates all matters of being everywhere, which includes pirates, so thank you very much.

And yes, I fine you two notches for your insolence.

I didn't "miss" the frisbee, buddy-- he threw it in my face point blank as I knelt down to show him proper form. I have to remember each time to tell him "DON'T throw it right NOW, but let me show you a trick..."

That's going to be an upcoming post, methinks.

Carrie: Though you may be new and presumably innocent, I'm still gonna start you out two notches down for rubbing in your unpoked eyes. Next time it'll be five, miss.

For thinking of me when someone pointedly takes something at face value to call attention to its inexactness or ridiculousness, I put you all the way up to +1 notch, because obviously you get me.

I haven't even gotten into that aspect of myself much at all yet, even 132 page-long posts into this blog, but I'm sure it's coming. Or maybe the name and my precise nature evidenced here and there is enough?

SherE1: Hey, you may laugh, but who'll be laughing when my eyes are safe and sound from all the things I'll inevitably run into?

Manager Mom: Oh, ever since I made that connection, I haven't-- I've been making sure Costco's 3-pound boxes overlap each other enough to keep my orifices unscathed by "the innocent".

Ms Picket To You: Everyone likes pirates-- I don't think anyone's questioning their likable nature. See this post if you doubt my sincerety.

I think a foam frisbee might be a good investment as a learning device-- it's been an uphill battle waiting to be able to actually get to catch a frisbee, or throw it with any kind of satisfying power or distance.

Kori: Perfect-- I was worried it might not come out right without my saying it the way I do.

Man, comments like the ones I've gotten for this post are why I'm so happy I started doing this-- maybe I can actually get it together soon and write something of substance so someone can buy it. But then, when would I blog? It's a conundrum.

Half-Past Kissin' Time: You're not getting my Bud Light, lady. But you're welcome!

Black Hockey Jesus: Oh, you'd better believe your blog is in my blog roll, buddy-- I'm still just blown away and feeling horribly inferior.

Everyone, if you're reading this, drop everything and go right now to The Wind In Your Vagina (meaning click my link to the blog by that name, I'm not insulting you in a confusing way). Don't be fooled by the blog name or this guy's user name, his stuff is just gold, and if HE gets HIS act together, which is much more likely than me getting mine together, he will become wildly popular and famous, and you can say you knew him when. The best part is, he's only got about 15 posts so far, so you can get in on the ground floor and not have to go back through hundreds of posts to be caught up.

Just trust me, for whatever that's worth, and go read at least two posts. I feel like a fanboy, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

Laski: Thanks-- man, the ego boosts just keep rolling in! And thanks to Kori for sending you here. Hope you enjoy your stay!

Natalie said...

i just love how much material you got from the whole poking-my-eye-out-with-a-plastic-snake-finger-puppet incident. i mean it was almost worth the vision loss...the posts it inspired...ahh...some fine writing indeed!

oh...i am having a contest on my blog if anyone is interested. just thought i would give away a little piece of my world. or turkey. the country...not the bird.

Kevin McKeever said...

The Cracker That Smiles Back does so with an unnerving smirk because it knows itself to be the toddler equivilent of crack. Frickin' Pepperidge Farms, remember this (obscene gesture)!

Have a nice day.

Sue Doe-Nim said...

Okay, I'm a child, but am I the only one who expected a penis post based on the title?

LiteralDan said...

Natalie: Oh I milked that thing for all it's worth. If I think of enough new jokes between now and then, don't be surprised if I write a one-year-anniversary remembrance post.

The contest sounds cool-- I would love those bowls, but I haven't yet thought of a "clever" answer when all I can think of are practical uses and standard enjoyment. I'll have to keep thinking.

Always Home and Uncool: I never thought of it that way, but you're right. And you know what? I'm still helplessly addicted, so I can't blame the kids much, can I? Sigh

Sue Doe-Nim: Sorry Sue-- penis posts are on Tuesdays.

But given the names I've been called in the past, I think any post involving my face/head might count, technically.

Natalie said...

sue - nope...that is where my mind went as well. i don't know why...

LiteralDan said...

It's probably because you went to a Catholic school-- shame on you!