04 June 2008

I had to wash my hands, anyway

Here's a cautionary tale for you, with a moral and everything, depicting what happens when I try to relive my wild and crazy youth now that I'm an even lamer person than ever:

Whilst exploring a desolate park yesterday after a rain, D- and I were hard up for entertainment. Who knew all those other children and their whimsical background noise provided such a foundation for the fun of going to the park?

As D- asked me what game I wanted to play and I answered "I dunno" for the fifth time (I was out of ideas by that point-- I'm only so creative now that I've hit the big 2-7), I happened to notice amongst the bark chips a small gnarled piece of stick that looked like it could definitely pass for a bit of feces when propelled suddenly towards my 4-year-old son. Towards most anyone, in fact-- it was that inexplicably ideal. Of course, I'd need to accompany said throw with a sharp interjection and various flustered hand motions to impede the otherwise natural immediate suspicion as to why I'd be picking up and/or throwing such a thing in the first place.

This wouldn't be the first time in my life I'd pulled such a stunt-- it's a classic. I figured it was long past time to fully initiate my son into the wonderful world of hilarity boys of all ages inhabit.

Actually, in the interest of full disclosure... this would technically be at least the second time I'd tried this particular gag. But with the other time that I can think of, he had first opened himself up for the obvious response by misidentifying some lawn-aeration dirt castings as bizarrely prevalent bowel movements, so I was pretty much required at that point to pick one up and toss it to him without first disillusioning him. It was great! You'd have to have seen his confused look of betrayal and disgust, followed by laughter and appreciation for my simple genius, to fully understand my eternal amusement and encouragement to revisit it at a later date.

In my defense, that incident also made what could have been just another forgettable answer to one out of at least 17,456 questions in a random day into a highly memorable Teachable Moment, as my wife J- (a teacher) would call a completely different type of situation in which a mature grown-up would reasonably find him-or-herself.

So with this diverse and distinguished pedigree in mind, I picked up this perfect little bit of stick and carefully weighed what I was about to do, and as I did so, it slowly dawned on me that what I was holding in my hand was in fact a dried-up piece of actual poo. Canine, I believe... one roughly 30 pounds given an average build, I'd guess.

I quickly dropped the now-explicably-perfect-looking piece of excrement and decided that this game might not really be as funny as it obviously always will be.


Mama Dawg said...

Oh, man.....I can't stop laughing.

Serves you right.

Anonymous said...

Okay, I'm a little stuck on the "big 2-7" b/c I just turned the really big 3-6, and I'm still crying myself to sleep every night over it...just don't use "big" and you know, ANY number in the 20s in the same sentence, mmk? Thanks.

Now, I'm glad that you realized that it was actually poop you were holding before you threw it at your son...HOWEVER, I love that you were willing to throw something at him just to amuse yourself! You are my parenting soul mate. MUHAHAHAHA.

Mama Dawg said...

Oh, by the way...you may want to call Letterman. That trick of guessing the weight and kind of dog by the size of its poo has to be by far the best Stupid Human Trick EVER!

I get 10% of any and all profits made from any endeavors you undertake with this newfound talent.

Have your people call my people.

Anonymous said...


Kori said...

Thanks; just blew coffee out my nose. Laughing. And you are clearly a better parent than I, as I probably still would have thrown it. Hey, I have a toddler; I ALWAYS have wipes in my purse.

Rikki said...

Oh man, kharma just bit you square in the ass! That is hilarious. Great way to start the day, thanks!

LiteralDan said...

Mama Dawg: You just got bumped down a couple pegs on my minion ladder, lady.

Christy: But I'm a real grown-up now, not just a kid who acts like one. Doesn't that count?

"At" is such a strong word-- I was only gonna toss it towards him to make him jump back in shock and disgust. Gee whiz, ma'am.

Mama Dawg: Well, to be fair, I have no way of verifying my estimate. I haven't been able to get in touch with my people for awhile, to fire them for not making me rich and famous yet.

Mary: Oh come on, as they say-- Everyone Poops!

Kori: Decaf or regular? I wonder which would burn more. I'd be tempted to throw it if I hadn't already dropped it with the same level of disgust I had been hoping to elicit from him, but then there might be genuine grounds to bring charges against me as an awful parent someday, you know? Don't make it easy for 'em!

Rikki: Yeah, I'm still nursing my wounds. I have to concede, it was an appropriate place for that bite.

Mama Dawg said...

Darn...now I gotta figure out something to top my post about you to rise up again.

Hmmm....gotta think on this one.

Petite G. said...

I just want to say "Caliente Pockets." You've got a gift man.

Insane Mama said...

YOu know, my dad used to find it amusing to throw "cow Patties" at us, he would fling them at us like frisbees.
This must be a guy thing

Petite G. said...

Ass bling can be found in your local Mules & More magazine...or on my blog under Assholes for Sale. Good stuff.

Insane Mama said...

Hey Dan, I just wrote about you on my blog.. the whole poop thing go check it out! and sorry, I guess I should asked first

Anonymous said...

I find this hilarious and totally disgusting at the same time. Probably because similar 'poo' situations have happened to me since becoming a parent. I will even admit that I actually fell for a two year old's game of 'smell my finger.' Enough said!

SherE1 said...

That was definitely kharma! Try to be more discerning when picking up those "sticks" from now on, mkay?

One Crazy Chick! said...

I agree with Mamadawg - BEST HUMAN TRICK EVER!

swilek said...

i can't stop laughing either...great post..thanks for popping ( oops..hopefully i spelled that right ...it is so close to the exrement you are talking about...heheheh)by my blog and for the tips to correct my post...it actually didn't work like you thought but i believe the posting is in order!!

Kevin McKeever said...

Classic. Poop never fails to produce a laugh.

BTW, congrats on your well deserved honor and thanks for swinging by my blog.


Anonymous said...

Just dropping by, and I have to say this was HILARIOUS! Very funny & I've so been there (yes, I'm a girl, but love potty humor with the rest of them, & can't wait until my son is a little older so I can fully corrupt him) - only it was my cat's poop. Aak.

LiteralDan said...

Jillian: Thank you, thank you. But I don't think there were any Caliente Pockets involved here, or there's no way I would have made this mistake, or been able to pick up the results.... Ew.

insane mama: That sounds awesome! Cow patties-- is there anything they CAN'T do??

Don't worry about writing about me, I don't mind. Glad you like flingin' poop as much as the next... select person who finds this amusing.

MamaNeena: Oh man, that's a rookie mistake. That had to be during your first go 'round, or else you were just distracted and not thinking about what you were being asked to do. Nothing good would come of such a thing.

SherE1: I'm not sure when I'll picking up any more sticks, but when I do (I know I will-- I have another kid to raise, after all), I will definitely be more selective.

Kandace: Hmmm... maybe there's something to this...

swile67: Poop by any time!

Too bad Blogger is being weird for you

Always Home and Uncool: They don't call it the Golden Rule for nothing. Or wait, I can never keep the Fundamental Rules of Life straight.

Thanks for swinging back-- I liked your blog, most especially the name. For some reason, I can identify...

RC: A girl who loves potty humor is a rare gem-- you may be setting your son up for a lifetime or frustration and disappointment. You should make this a screening qualification for his potential suitees in the future.

Petite G. said...

Dan Dan Dan....How quickly we forget. Caliente Pockets was an homage to our shared likes of Jim Gaffigan. I knew I'd like you once I saw that you liked him.

You had better not be picking up the soft, steamy kind.

LiteralDan said...

Oh, I got the reference, my friend-- how could one forget that routine? I couldn't think of another universally recognizable Gaffigan reference, short of "Meow" for "Now", so I just went deeper into the Hot Pockets routine to pull out a reliable diarrhea reference.

Man, that word is just comedy gold, I tell you.

Anonymous said...

OMG, Dan; that was so priceless! Once again, you took me all the way down the road before I realized I had even left :)

This reminds me of a story from Mr.4444's childhood. It was the old "roll up a hunk of brownie and drop it on the livingroom floor when mom's not looking" trick. He then blamed it on the dog, carefully picked it up, and took a BITE! His mom almost had a heart attack!

LiteralDan said...

For all the "lol"s I've typed out in my life, I can promise you that I actually laughed out loud at this.

Your husband is my new hero, and I have one question for him (like the all-knowing shaman at the mountaintop temple)-- had he seen Caddyshack before that point, or was he just born awesome?

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