29 April 2008

Wanted: Baby for "questioning"

Being that I am the only parent supervising my children during the day, I believe I have as at least one of my roles that of Judge. It's not a position I take lightly, or one that I enjoy too thoroughly. However, I like to think I bring a healthy dose of gravitas to this aspect of my life, similar to many of my other roles, such as detective, chef, lie detector, storytime leader, jurist, satirist, bail bondsman, and parole officer.

With all the dignity and pomp I bring to the courtroom that is our apartment, I find it a disrespectful, undermining act that, after labeling as a flight risk a 15-month-old recently brought before me for screeching and petty vandalism, said baby promptly took off at high speed, laughing maniacally rather than submit her squishy behind to the custody of a hardwood floor, as ordered by the court.

My demands for her return and calls for her apprehension were met with unfortunately adorable giggles and then reactive laughter from spectators in attendance. My threats to clear the courtroom quelled the uprising, but still left it defendantless.

As undignified as it was, I was forced to seek out this fugitive myself, chasing her crinkly, bediapered bottom as it tried to shake me off the trail. Undeterred, I cornered the suspect under a table, where her six-toothed smile defied her knowledge of the punishment she had earned. She then scattered away out the other side, where she is believed to have hopped on the back of a waiting Plasma Car.

I would hold this individual in contempt, but legal precedent (see Household v. D- and others) regarding the contours and purity of her visage do not offer me such flexibility. The best I can do once she is returned to the courtroom is allow her due process with only minimal prejudice based on her disappearance.

If you see this young lady, be wary of her reported charms, and know that she is armed and potentially dangerous, particularly to eardrums. She may in fact ask you to kiss an imaginary boo-boo on one of those arms, ostensibly because she had blood drawn there several weeks ago but more likely as a test of faith and loyalty. It is recommended that you do so, and further that you offer various reassuring platitudes in a soothing voice, before excusing yourself as soon as possible (without arousing suspicion) to contact the authorities (i.e. me).

Attached is a recent photo of the offender, shown here all but literally thumbing her nose at the very idea of an authority higher than that of her physical needs and momentary desires:

Cuteness is but one of several blunt weapons in her illegal arsenalAs further aid in confirming a positive identification of this fugitive, be advised that she looks just like her Momma.


Mama Dawg said...

I sincerely believe that she took lessons in this craft from my daughter who on many occasions, acted the same exact way. It could even be argued that my daughter in turn, learned it from other "suspects" that came before her and they in turn learned it from others.

It's a never ending circle. I applaud your effort in trying to eradicate this meaningless (yet completely adorable) rite of passage.

If she ends up getting caught, you may want to recommend that "D" be her public defender.

Good Luck.


Mrs. B. Roth said...

Hang up your judge's wig thing!
This is clearly a case of a cute young girl swaying the judge with her feminine ways.

Today it might be petty vandalism, but tomorrow it could be sharpie on the carpet; today's ear piercing squeals will be tomorrow's screeching "poo poo face." I speak from experience.

These criminals may appear innocent and their deeds insignificant, but without proper discipline ... well, let me just tell you ... rubbing alcohol gets sharpie out of carpet, but one chuckle at a "poo poo face" and you might as well change everyone's name to poo poo face.

Anonymous said...

She's still going to win with the cuteness plea at 16...be ready!

Anonymous said...

That is funny! Let it be known, if I happen upon the suspect in question, I will most likely become guilty of harboring a fugitive--she's too cute to be handing over to the authorities!

Anonymous said...

lmfao. escaped with the plasma car, huh?

well written!!

Anonymous said...

You are some kind of crazy judge. No defendant that looks like that will ever get her sentence upheld. It's just the nature of the beast ... the more personality, the easier to get out of sentencing!

Best of luck trying, though :)

Anonymous said...

Oh, those cute girls always get off with barely a slap on the wrist. They just smile at that judge and look sweet and pretty. Even Paris Hilton only got an hour in jail.

LiteralDan said...

Mama Dawg: I'll have to set up some kind of nanny cam to see when she might be having these training sessions-- thanks for the tip!

Mrs. B Roth: Oh, J- and I have learned the hard way about holding our smiles in for the good of the household. Man, it gets hard sometimes. We just have to hold it until the kids leave the room, but we have a good time letting it out later-- that's one of the best parts of this blog!

Christina: I get the feeling she won't be too much different all around at that age.

Christy: I'll have to keep an eye on you from now on... actually, I may just go ahead and ask you to harbor her for awhile here and there.

ender: Oh yeah, that thing gets going pretty fast, in capable 4-year-old hands. And thankyaverymuch

theneatos: I'll have to remember that when I'm next in Judge J-'s courtroom. Probably tomorrow, knowing me :-)

Mary: And that's all the more impressive, considering the general condition of Ms. Hilton's face.

SherE1 said...

I wouldn't want to have to be the judge or jury for THAT cuteness!

TerriRainer said...


You are screwed...she'll have you wrapped for the next few decades.

:) Terri

LiteralDan said...

SherE1: Indeed, it is a tough lot in life I've drawn.

TerriRainer: So much for reassurance and consolation... :-)

poosemommy said...

My own delinquent tries this tactic regularly to avoid the application of diaper, pants, or any other means of restraining his little-man bits.

LiteralDan said...

"Little-man bits" made both my wife and I laugh quite a bit.

Those fellas need to breathe sometimes, lady!