28 May 2008

Just one more thing...

As part of my continuing effort to get in better shape, I have become a shining model of Herculean restraint and admirable conscientiousness most of the time.

For example, yesterday I resisted the temptation to eat a leftover piece of cheesecake, and instead I fed it to my daughter (M-) for lunch. It was perfect, because I was too lazy to come up with something more creative or nutritious (as defined by "society" and so-called "nutrition experts"). Furthermore, I had to take a call from a market research company, so I was in no position to make much of anything at the time.

When my son (D-) asked innocently what it was that I was feeding her (it was broken up into a bunch of indistinguishable pieces) I told him honestly that it was "cheese stuff". I'm not sure this was the brightest move, because if there's one thing he likes more than desserts, or whatever is not being served at any given time, it's cheese.

Anyway, I took a break in feeding her to go get her dressed (again-- the temperature dropped precipitously), and D- went back to his lunch in the dining room. I feel compelled to break here and lay out my very brief thought process in deciding to feed M- this cheesecake:

• Cheesecake is made of cheese, and it has various other lunch-appropriate components in it.
• It was kind of old and sub-par (hence I decided it didn't make the cut for me, and I'd save myself for higher-quality indulgences), and thus it was not technically even a dessert anymore, in the traditional sense.
• Given how sweet all the jars of fruit M- eats are, and given her consistently high enjoyment in eating all things edible and non, I figured she wouldn't find this culinary experience particularly remarkable (thus setting a dangerous precedent).
• I didn't verbally identify it as cheesecake, or even as a dessert, so especially given the above facts, it definitely didn't count.
• I don't like to waste things, and I needed to get rid of this dessert, I mean lunch, as soon as possible.

What I didn't factor in was, though she may be a toddler, M- is also spiritually a woman, and that is why, during a lull in getting her clothes on, she pointed toward the kitchen and called out, "Mmm, cake! Cake!!" (pronounced "geek"). I now believe, though further research is needed, that the Cheesecake/Chocolate Recognition Gene is carried in separate halves on the X chromosome, and only in women are the two halves allowed to reach their full potential.

Threatening to confound this theory, though more likely explained by personal experience, D- then asked aimlessly from his seat why M- would be calling out "cake", much in the way that Columbo would ask a nervous doctor why exactly he had to come back to the clinic at such a late hour one fateful night.

I said, "I dunno, I guess she just wants cake, and she remembers how yummy it is, or something" (sounding very much like D- himself usually does).

He coolly responded, without looking at me, "She probably wants some more of that cheesecake, probably." The extra "probably" was delivered with a tone meant to demonstrate that I should assume he knows what's going on at all times, even when he doesn't let on as much, and thus I should never bother trying to fool him again.

I burst out laughing-- I can only hold a straight face 80% of the day. I asked him what made him think it was cheesecake, and he said, dropping character in shock at my losing control, "I don't know... I just know that-- my brain told it to me because I'm very smart, from those nuts." (The latter claim based on my explanation of some of the benefits of the walnut pieces I had sprinkled on his oatmeal that morning.)

So, to sum up-- I am a saint; women may have actually been split from man-shaped cheesecakes by Zeus, explaining their misguided seeking of human mates when they really have a deeper appreciation of cheesecake; and boys are smart because of their nuts.


Anonymous said...

Such smart kids. Where do they get it? This would have been a convenient time for them to be oblivious and trusting. I remember one of my sons at age 3 telling me his milk tasted funny. I said I didn't know why and he told me it was probably because I hadn't rinsed the orange juice out of the glass before I poured the milk in it.

Anonymous said...

can I come eat lunch at your house??? My turkey sandwich is looking rather dull now.

Mama Dawg said...

Um...no, this does not prove that men are smarter because of their nuts. It just proves that at a young age, boys are already thinking that they're smarter because of their nuts. You should really shatter that disillusion now. You could be a hero to millions of women if you start the chain of breaking men of their habit of thinking they're smarter because of their nuts. You could get all of the women who comment on here to rally behind you.

You could be a pioneer!

SherE1 said...

A toddler after my own heart - I love "geek", especially of the "cheese" kind!

And that D is a sharp cookie! Thanks to his nuts? Hilarious!

family affairs said...

PS you are winning by miles! That's not fair! Even though I have done very grown up blog today about how it's not all about winning - I'm still jealous x Well done though x

Natalie said...

cheesecake for lunch! dad is great...he feeds us cheesecake!

LiteralDan said...

Mary: I definitely don't know where they get it... And even a drop of juice curdles milk, thus rendering it unfit for human consumption-- I second that complaint!

MamaNeena: Sure, why not? We're pretty bored of entertaining only ourselves around here, and man are we tired of eating cheesecake all the time!

Mama Dawg: I would shatter it if it weren't true, but alas, my hands are tied.

Now if you were arguing that men are smarter despite their nuts, maybe we could start a discussion. lol

SherE1: Geek is definitely delicious, but I've decided to become a food snob for my own health's sake. From now on, my cakes must be handmade in France and flown here on a private jet, not a (shudder) commercial plane, and they have to get here within 30 minutes of baking or they are free. That should keep me nice and fit.

We must always thank our nuts for their bountiful gifts-- I don't find anything funny about that.

family affairs: I am indeed still winning, much to my surprise. Your post was indeed very grown up, and I couldn't agree more with your thoughts about your competitor-- everyone should check it out.

Natalie: That's my prime motivation-- everyone else will always be lamer by comparison!

Ann(ie) said...

mmmmmmm. Cheesecake for lunch. Will you be my daddy?

LiteralDan said...

Hey, I don't want to mislead you, it can't all be cheesecakes and ice cream. Sometimes you have to make do with cookies and candy.

Danielle said...


Yes indeed! Boys are much smarter because of those nuts!!

I love it!!!

LiteralDan said...

Glad you liked it, and glad that you can face the truth, unlike Mama Dawg (see above)